Satori Rising (formerly StonedBunnyDiaries)

Joshua Kreig’s Eleventh Annual Christmas Message

2009-12-24T21:28:00.005-05:00

Dear Jesus,

I am sorry.

When I left the seminary I stopped believing in you. You were the symbol of a crumbling out of touch institution that I could not be a part of anymore. There were too many contradictions and hypocrisies to the truth I was learning about you. I liked your message but it was wrapped up in too much bad theological execution. I did not realise you are not the institution. I could not see through the bullshit and the noise.

I literally threw the baby out with the bath water. Trying to throw away something of no value, I threw away you. I am sorry. Because the institution using your name could not pass theological or academic scrutiny, you were abandoned. The pain in my life was too loud for me to find solace in you. I was running from the noise.

This may sound funny but I never stopped believing in you. Now don’t get me wrong I am still struggling with all that has been said about you and who or what you are suppose to be. I guess that is what this life is supposed to be, a struggle to become something, a struggle to give shit meaning Birth is messy; death is messy; so ergo the in-betweens are messy. Shit all over the place. Not by fault but by design. You know somehow I thought things would be a little easier by now but it is still as messy as ever.

So it has been what, 17 years since we chatted? A lot has happened since 1993. I am still crazy – sometimes very crazy. I’ve been searching a lot. I started searching and searching for something new. Something to replace you! Humanist philosophy, Greek mythology, Theosophy, Confucian thought. All end in codes of living life based on respecting life and caring for life.

About four years ago I started exploring Buddhism and in particular the Zen variation. I found it very helpful with turning off the noise. For the last three years I have been exploring the big world of yoga. Those eight limbs are one big to do list. But the biggest gift of yoga has been the quieting of the mind. It has taught me that the noise outside me does not have to be the noise inside me. It is I who disturb the peace inside me. The noise is simply a distraction.

Funny thing is that when I turn off the noise I am able to listen. There is a lot to listen to in the present moment. This past year I heard something wonderful. While listening to Buddha he asked me if I met his friend Jesus in my travels in the West. While listening to Patanjali he asked me if I was familiar with the words of the Jewish teacher Jesus.

And here is the funniest thing; a monkey leaping a sea is no crazier than you walking on one right? When you strip away all the smells and bells, pomp and circumstance, elephant children and purple godheads, and the occasional ascension, you guys pretty much agree with each other on the nuts and bolts of daily human cohabitation. And you all have a thing for tree metaphors.

And in the end I saw that this too is all bullshit. All the philosophies and religions are the creations of their believers rising out of their messy struggles to live with the shit, find meaning, and become something. Then if all is bullshit then I am full of bullshit. My bullshit is the culmination of all the bullshit I have been taught. All I have done is re-digested the shit and excreted it out again.

Now don’t get me wrong I think it is all pretty good shit. Shit is how things grow after all. Fertilizer is shit with purpose. But I think there is still a piece that we are all missing. That piece will make it possible for all this shit to make sense. What that piece is I have no idea. This is where the agnostic in me arises.

Though I have moments of being awake I find it so easy to drift off into sleep again. Staying awake is constant practice. Some days practice is effortless and some days practice is a real bitch. Those forty days in the desert you all ascribe to are a real pain. I’ve done a few. The systems work – but still a bitch.

Two things all systems demand are faith and discipline to be of any use. Faith is the ability to trust in someone or something even if there is no physical proof to observe. Faith is to trust we are connected to something greater than ourselves and we all share this holy connection.

Each path of faith demands one form of discipline or another. That practice takes constant effort. I think most days I fail when it comes to my personal practice. My ego does not like discipline. But that is why it is called practice. We keep doing it and hopefully listening to what is there to be heard. Practice is no longer right or wrong or good or bad, practice is what this body and mind can do in this moment. Practice is simply the daily motion done with mindfulness.

Christianity, Yoga, Buddhism are not a path, they are instructions for a path – my path. They are instructions that have stood the test of time to be elevated to science. These instructions are to help deal with the messiness of life. If I follow these instructions then perhaps the path will be more peaceful for me and all I encounter. But there is still a lot of bullshit.

Jesus, every year I return to my computer to write a Christmas message. This is the first time it has been about our relationship, which is kind of funny since your Christ designation is in it and all. Though I am surprised you were not lost forever. I went to get my coffee at the Cup today and their holiday decor theme is a red background, a white bird perched on a brown stick with a white dot for snow. When I was growing up there was overkill on the nativity scenes wherever one would go. It seems we have let your birthday go to crap. Now it is some reinforcement of value via material possessions.

My return is of more surprise to me than you I am sure. Though my studies have given me a greater appreciation for various belief systems, I never thought I would reconnect with you on such a personal level. It is funny that it was yoga that brought me back. I guess what I am saying is I am no longer a Wandering Aramean. Now don’t get ahead of yourself, you won’t see me in a pew anytime soon. As we reconnect I find the words of Eliot haunting me again,

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”

I know who you are now. Or better still I can see you again. You are a person who struggled with the messiness of life. A person who awoke and stayed awake through constant prayer to stay connected to the divine. You were a teacher, a healer, a peacemaker, aware that all is god. All you ask is that I love with empathy and compassion and be a good steward of life. You told me I was perfect and holy. You told me to be not afraid for you know the path I am trying to walk and you have guidance. I need only listen.

In moments of quiet and stillness I can see all the beauty and I can see all the suffering and how I contribute to each. As my faith and practice grows I am compelled and obligated to add to the beauty and ease the suffering. Thank you for being a symbol of faith and practice. A nice Jewish boy who loved his mother and tried to bring peace is not such a bad role model – Happy Birthday Jesus.

Peace and love,
Joshua

PS. Check out Mary J Blige and Andrea Bocelli do a kick ass version of one of your tribute songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHOHM3kHPRk&feature=related

Joshua Kreig's Annual Christmas Message - Tenth Anniversary

2008-12-25T00:26:00.000-05:00

The Path Passed

This story begins winter 1998. I began writing an annual Christmas message to create a personal tradition. It is joyful to hear it has become a part of others as well. The first message went to about forty people. This year, well I stopped counting at year four. Traditions are information from the past brought forward to have relevance in the present context. They are practices meant to give meaning. This message has become a collection of meanings. This message has become a documentation of the innards of my life. This message has become an affirmation of and a connection to the truth that exists in my being.

Ten years on, I find the words even more so a reflection of the movements of my life, perhaps more than my ego had originally intended. As I reread the previous nine I can feel: my ever present pain and fleeting joys, my frustration and my excitement, my disillusionment and my curiosity. More than anything, I see my hope in life, my desire to bloom, my yearning to discover a sense of self. This tenth anniversary edition comes out of rediscovering the themes that have been the cornerstone of each message, and therefore the driving forces of my life. Join me on a journey through ten years.

Two journeys consume my life: the path to personhood and the path to priesthood. These journeys take an inner and outer path. The two paths are unique but follow the same process, slowly converging. Over time, both are an internal and an external discovering of the inner and outer worlds of being. They nurture each other and yet struggle to find the meaning in each other.

This year I have focused a little less on trying to find a meaning to life but a little more on discovering life. It is hoped that this leads to a path of authenticity. When I live authentically all paths to journey are paths to peace.

The Path to Personhood

That story begins spring 1989. It has been almost twenty years since I left St John’s, Newfoundland to become a Roman Catholic priest. When I left studies at the age of 28, I felt like a failure. Grappling with things not having reached preconceived expectations is a theme in this life.

There are two lessons I have learned to help me come a little closer to my peace. First, pay kind attention to life but be willing to let things go. Second, just because something ends does not mean it is a failure. It is only a failure if you cannot take any lesson from it. Things end, we move on – hopefully we grow. Life is a series of little births and deaths, and a lot of living in between each.

That “between” part is where everything happens: the mundane and the exhilarating. I am beginning to understand this implies continuous process and practice. Doing the piled laundry is not separate from wearing the handsome clothes. Washing the piled dishes is not separate from eating the delicious meal. When I do not see the connectedness I do not appreciate the importance of the moments of life.

There is no past, no future. There is only this moment and being present to it as completely and creatively as possible. This does not mean we should not remember or plan. It means we should not be slaves to either. When we live fully in the "now" we know that by caring for the "now" of those around us, our own "now" becomes richer; back and forth the energy flows and grows.

What keeps me out of the present moment is clinging to past pain. Past pain tethers us to the negative energy and darkness of life. When so bound, it is not possible to accept myself as a person on a journey of discovery. Instead of seeing life as unfolding it is something to be controlled.

Now I am beginning to see and believe that anything is possible if I am willing to stop trying to control everything. In reality, I can control very little in this made up world and by trying to do so, it has a disastrous affect/effect on my psyche. If I continuously try to force every reality then all will fail.

By not forcing or controlling life I can simply pay attention to the lessons it has to teach. I cannot teach life anything. I am forever the student in life. Even as a teacher I can only agree with Socrates: “I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think.”

By accepting I am first a student, everything becomes a mutual sharing of individual discovery. We all have something to share. We are all teachers and students.

The Path to Priesthood

That story begins spring 1989. It has been almost twenty years since I left St John’s, Newfoundland to become a Roman Catholic priest. When I left studies at the age of 28, I felt like a failure. Failure because I thought I had dedicated my life to a noble goal, a higher purpose rather than simply consuming more and more. I had left the world of commercialism. And here I was returning to it.

Commercialism is another word for selfishness because it keeps us in a pattern of constantly consuming where everything is focused on tomorrow’s meal as opposed to seeing the rich banquet that already lies before us.

As I travel along the road of yoga and Buddhism I am discovering the personal priesthood that the Protestant Luther believed we all are asked to undertake. Call it what you wish: teacher, truck driver, parent, monk, bodhisattva, guru, mechanic or whatever noun personifies it for you. We are called to care. We are called to peace. We are called to love. This call is found and defined throughout all religions and belief systems – the call to see all life as holy.

Regardless of cultures and creeds, lifestyles and choices, loves and conflicts, we [are called to] look at each other and see the divine that exist in all and show it the reverence it deserves.

The Path to Authenticity

That story begins spring 1989. It has been almost twenty years since I left St John’s, Newfoundland to become a Roman Catholic priest. Twenty years on I find myself still on that spiritual path of learning to become myself.

My self comes in two versions; there are two Joshuas. Joshua one is the smart, intelligent, and confident person acting with noble ideals. He is the perfect teacher and student. He is the one I aspire to be. Joshua two is the one who struggles with life and falls short of his ideals. He can feel lost and scared. He is the one I cringe to be.

This year I learned a great lesson. Both Joshuas are the one. My teaching to be authentic must arise out of my journey, be it fraught with difficulties or filled with pleasures. The truth and intelligence of my teaching has to arise from my own struggles to practice what I preach. This is not an easy task as there are some real challenges.

I am bipolar. And probably will be forever. I am hot and cold. I can be very logical yet I can have a short fuse. I care deeply and profoundly but can be extremely nonchalant. I love many people yet I can be cruel and mean to those same people. I can cry and that is a very good thing. I will always have a deep sadness in my heart for not having a strong nuclear family.

Instead of seeing all that as a burden and stain to hide, bury, or extricate from the fabric of my life, I have come to see it simply as my life. Any truth I know or will discover lies in the messy reality of my existence. Therein lays the authenticity of any teaching.

The Path to Journey

This story begins. As I have chronicled my messy existence I have noticed that a quest for personal peace and societal peace is overarching. The mystics were right; the individual heart living in peace creates a harmony of peace throughout the world. My responsibility is to nurture peace in my personal life and to nurture peace in our world. As I gain more and more personal peace I find a growing urge that cannot be ignored. I am called to be a part of bringing peace to our planet, our home. We are sharing the same experience.

At the core of human experience is the reality that we are physical beings who must acknowledge that without respect for our planet and our selves we cannot have any spiritual connections. Without peace we are all living in darkness.

Regardless of personal or global traditions we can all buy into the Christmas story of peace. Behind that story is a belief that darkness will never overtake the light. By not being afraid of the darkness we see in ourselves and each other, we are able to see the light that resides there, the light that moves us to love. The Jew, the Christian, the Muslim, the Hindu, the Buddhist and the Humanist all believe in peace and that we are responsible to and for each other.

These words though easy to type are challenging to live when things get messy. The last week of classes before Christmas, we had a week-long book club activity of don Miguel Ruiz’s Toltec divined The Four Agreements. It had been three years since I last worked with it. Post yoga and Buddhism introduction, it was a wonderful rediscovery, a reconfirming of cosmic truths. I still use it as a guide to personal peace. Though tough to live, they are wonderful tools for mindfulness worth re-sharing.

“Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

Yet again these words are so easy to type in a message once a year but so hard to live.

As I look back at the last ten years of Christmas messages I am filled with a great sense of hope for the next ten, a patient hope learning to appreciate the unfolding of each step on the path. There is great love here. I have a joy-filled vocation, wonderful family and friends, and a beautiful partner – I adore all.

Christmas is a holiday with heightened everything. We seem to be a little more finely in tune with the life that we see, want, or do not have. But hopefully we are blessed knowing that there is a richness of colour, love, and light enfolding us despite the darkness. There will always be some emptiness we will be trying to fill. I think that is one of the uniquely human qualities we possess. But if we take the time to evaluate our lives we will find we are doing well. We have many reasons to have a Merry Christmas.

Be peace.

Joshua
(December 24, 2008)

Joshua Kreig's Ninth Annual Christmas Message

2007-12-24T21:41:00.000-05:00

…A year of heartbreak and insanity…I found yoga…A year of joy and hope…I am crazy…I love life…Matters of influence…Fragments collected…

This ninth year of Christmas finds me sitting down to write in a way I have never felt when writing before. This is the first year I write from a place of joy and hope in my heart.

At the end of 2006 I had my heart broken with the only man I have fallen in love with since Singapore 2001. The stresses of bipolar were affecting so many things with us. As he said so eloquently, “The more I am around you the more bipolar I become. I don’t like that.”

It took the first six months of 2007 to get perspective on all that. It hurt long. And even the other night we had a Christmas celebration together I continued to gain a little needed perspective. I learned a lot from Daisuke. I love him dearly. The successes of 2007 could not have happened without Daisuke being there in 2006. I try to be Zen. Daisuke is Zen. Simple and steady. Walking through the world with a sense of awe and discovery. Definitely a candidate for most influential person in my life this year.

I knew my health was not what it should be to start a relationship and I am glad we did not try. It would have been disastrous. I love him too much to put him through that madness. But losing a guy because of Bipolar stung. The illness was yet again bigger than me. Bigger than what I thought I could do or offer someone. That caused a downward spiral.

Around this time I was beginning to feel that the latest round of meds and my personal health and life choices were not working. I was becoming a rapid cycle bipolar. In one day I would go through multiple mood states from high to low.

In April I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. I had given my doctor and other practical wisdom since 2001 to fix this. I decided to fix it myself. In April I began a journey to better health. I took two months off from work. I stopped talking medications.

I stripped my life down to the bare essentials of health and nutrition. I let my body detoxify. I had never approached this from a basic health perspective. I needed to see what a peak efficiency Joshua brain and body would function like. At the same time I started to practice yoga. This has saved my life. I have been practicing a form of hot yoga called Moksha three times a week for over nine months. Recently I did a 30 Day Challenge that stretched my mind and body in ways I did not think it could go. With a combination of Yoga, Nutrition, Meditation, Alternative Medicine I am healthier than I have ever been.

There is still a long way to go but the directions things are going are fantastic.

As alluded to earlier, this year can also be categorised with a most influential person review. So far we have Daisuke.

Bruce Chung. Bruce has been a part of the discovery of two of the four ways I am currently treating bipolar. I never take this for granted. Bruce has been my yogic companion these nine months and I believe will be for some time to come.

I have learned a lot through my friendship with Bruce. It has been fraught with great joy and pain. But in the end only the joy remains. For me to dislike Bruce would be to dislike yoga. They are so connected. Yoga is keeping me alive. I cannot see a healthy future without the practice.

In March of 2008 Bruce and I are going on a journey to India. Supposedly predicted by a psychic and then confirmed by a medium. Who knew? Not I. We will be doing the first month of an 11 month training course in the birthplace of yoga. India. I am still a little unreal about it. Needless to say we are individually and collectively rather excited. I have been doing a bit of fundraising to get my poor white trash ass over there. I want to say a big thank you to those who have sponsored the 30 Day Challenge. Also some close friends have really shown their love and belief in me. Thank you. It is written on my heart.

I will be doing a yoga class fundraiser in the New Year for friends to experience it all. (More cash needed ahem clears throat.)

I am crazy. No nice paragraph transition. I am crazy. And I want to thank Jeffrey and Adam for helping me realise that it is okay to be crazy and often it is more an asset than a liability. The only problem is good is really good and bad is really bad.

Jeffrey I first met in New York in 1999. Adam I first met a mere two months ago. I was listening to Jeffrey go on and on about something one day and I realised he was plumb crazy. I told him so. And without skipping a beat and with such candour as if he was merely telling me the sky is blue he says, “So are you.”

I realised he was right. It is the secret to our endearing friendship. I realised sanity and insanity are such interesting human constructions with a lot of flexibility. I kind of relaxed a bit. Jeffrey is simply Jeffrey. He does things and thinks things that not a lot of people do or think. Does that make him crazy? Does that make me crazy? I use to fear going crazy. But when you accept you have already been there for quite some time you just stop fighting it which frees up energy for more fecund pursuits.

Adam on the other hand is same make and model crazy like me. Adam and I just looked at each other and saw the darkness. He recognised it first. I never recognise other bipolar people as I would not wish it on my enemy. We met at a time of darkness for both of us. It was so nice to be with someone where there was nothing to explain. I will be seeing Adam in February in London before heading to India. I look forward to that comfort. Crossing time zones and geography and altitude is very hard on the bipolar brain. Adam will be a good lightening rod in London. He will help ground me for the leg to India.

Where Adam grounds my darkness I recently met someone who grounds my light. Whenever Berchman and I are together I am the most gentle, calmest, attentive person. I am so aware of my mood states. Adam and I can walk around in each others heads and look at the monsters and not question anything. Berchman and I walk around in each others heads and point out the nice things we see. We make silly faces at the not so nice things we see and let them be and feel just a little sad for them. Adams knows the five year old in me who is very angry at the world. Berchman knows the five year old who takes joy in the world.

Berchman drew the portrait here. I think it captures my cockiness and that “don’t try that shit with me” “I got your number” aspect of my personality. He also drew it from what he saw as my internal age as opposed to my physical age. Very kind indeed. And the hair looks fantastic.

Jeffrey helped me accept I am crazy, Adam helped me accept the darkness, and Berchman helped me stay in the light. They have helped me reach a state of calmness (equanimity) with who I am as a person by just being themselves. And letting me be me. For some interesting reason these three people ground parts of me that need grounding. Definitely candidates for the most influential person.

Another candidate for most influential is the dynamics between my sister and me. We went through a paradigm shift this year. For many years we have been companions on roads that have been often very painful. This past year we have taken a path where we can find more individual strength. Our healing required time for us to explore outside each other. I think there has been marvellous growth for both of us. I think in some way we have been quietly inspiring each other as we reach new levels of health. I look forward to our further explorations.

Daniel Oliveira deserves honourable mention. Daniel and I have had the luxury of working with each other yet again. Daniel and I are the model for what I call the perfect working relationship. What I can’t do he can. What he can’t do I can. We have a marvellous synergy and trust each other implicitly. This trust is based on a profound respect for each others talents. We created a pilot project for Rotman School of Management that may yield good future fruits.

My roomie Mattie the gentle giant has been my summer long extended into fall impromptu partner. Many bottles of wine have been consumed on the deck with hours of fabulous ravings and bullshit. Mattie has been a calm and a joy. He has called me on my bullshit and supports me on my journey. He too is blossoming on his journey of life as he faces new career challenges with competency and skills that surprise him and all those around him. The man knows his shit.

And the winner of the most influential person is. Bruce Chung. Without Bruce I would be dead. I have grown so much this year as a result of his direct and indirect influence - and most of it is positive.

But Bruce is 25 and young and there are many times I want to strangle his bitch ass!! I am sure he says the same of me. The strangling part that is not the young part. It is with Bruce that I get to practice and talk about yoga off the mat. Yoga is only truly useful when it can help us in our daily lives. It is with Bruce that my practice is grown and also challenged. He and I are so different that conflicts naturally arise. So far we seem to weather them.

It is in these times that the true benefits of yoga shine. I find I still feel things intensely but I do not let the negative shit drag me down. And I am learning to not let the positive things create unrealistic expectations. I have as many failures as successes at doing that by the way. My favourite word this past month: equanimity. So good, so hard, so needed.

The biggest thing I have noticed about 2007 is the darkness has lifted. I once again feel bigger than bipolar. Even in times of distress the darkness does not cripple. It is still there and raises its ugly head from time to time but it does not cripple. And with that has come a sense of joy and hope. Many of my friends say they see a difference, everything from a completely different person to a more calm approach to things. This does not mean I am all OOMMMMM! There are many people who can attest to my many errors this year.

But that is just it. Regardless of the shit, I love life again. I am excited. I look forward to the future as opposed to dreading it. I am at peace with my past as opposed to being haunted by it. I am learning to walk in the moment and really see and listen. This is my life’s practice. That is my yoga on and off the mat.

During all previous life transitions I feel as if I have aged whenever there has been a moment of enlightenment as to how the world works. This year yoga has provided some profound changes and moments of enlightenment and for some reason I feel younger. Yes yoga can make you younger too.

The Sanskrit word “Namaste” is used to close yoga classes. It means the divine in me recognises the divine in you and bows to it. What a lovely idea don’t you think, especially for Christmas?

If regardless of cultures and creeds, lifestyles and choices, loves and conflicts, we could look at each other and see the divine that exist in both and show it the reverence it deserves?

Namaste!

Merry Christmas and may love and peace be yours.
(December 24, 2007)

Ladybug/bird/beelte many names many things

2007-05-20T13:26:00.000-05:00

I was on the deck the other day and saw this and had to capture the moment in images in the wonderful late afternoon light. Having know the ladybug as a symbol of luck it was interesting at this point in time to learn this:

"Ladybug: The Ladybug is associated with spirituality and religious devotion. The name Ladybug originated in Europe during the Middle Ages, when insects were destroying the crops. Catholic farmers were said to have prayed to the Virgin Mary for help. Soon after, Ladybugs appeared and began eating the pests and saved the crops from destruction. The farmers began to call the Ladybugs “the Beetles of Our Lady” and eventually they were known as Lady Beetles. The Ladybug's red wings are said to represent the Virgin's cloak and the black spots her joys and sorrows.

The Ladybug is widely considered a symbol of luck and is seen as a good omen when it comes calling. In Sweden, it is said that if one lands on a young woman's hand, she will soon get married. In France, it is said that if you are ill when one lands on you, it will fly away with your illness.

Ladybugs are also considered to be symbols of fire and the Sun. Ladybug teaches life is short and it teaches to let go of ones' worries and fears, to trust in spirit and enjoy life. It brings the gifts of renewal and regeneration."

from

http://montanadreams.net/symbology/animals/anim_1.html

Bipolar Fun Fact #1 or, the trouble with joshua - He's not FUN!

2007-05-09T14:27:00.000-05:00

I am not fun.

I am funny - downright hilarious at times.

I am fun to be around and there are times when I am having a lot of fun.

I find things funny. I like to have fun.

But to be fun is to be light - to live the moment in breathless wonder of each discovery while seeing the torrents and tedious steps as part of a joyful whole.

There are moments I am that piece of theory. There are moments of fun. But there is a lot of darkness around that fun.

I was dating a guy once and he said that one of the lessons he learned in life is to tell people when we are having fun with them. I sometimes forget to do that. Even when we are alone and catch ourselves having fun we should acknowledge it. For that is the moment we are looking for. Fun. Simple.

Sometimes the wiring in my brain gets so screwed up I don’t even realise it is until it reaches a critical mass. Critical mass can take many forms. Usually it means I stop having the ability to rationally understand the world around me. Everything takes on its worst form, craziest form, intense form, joyful form, darkest form or a little of each. That is the difficult thing about this thing it is always adapting and morphing.

I hit critical mass many times in April. Cleanup time.

Bipolar Fun Fact Affect – Relationships suffer.

Imagine all the craziness of a relationship and having in that relationship episodes of great emotional instability. That is NO FUN!! And worst is they are very unpredictable.

Every guy I have gotten to know recently talks about all the fun things they are planning on doing. Most of it involves a lot of travelling. I can travel but if I was to take a long and distant trip it would have to be planned with the knowledge that there will be meltdowns along the way. That is NO FUN!

Friendships suffer. My closest friends know and understand this illness a little. But there have been many times our time together has been robbed.

Nobody wants to be around someone who is not FUN! I don’t even want to be around me then.

Sakura in High Park

2007-05-08T14:37:00.000-05:00

The Japanese celebration of Hanami centers around the delicate and beautiful cherry blossom (sakura) tree. The cherry blossom blooms for a very short while each spring. The windier the spring the shorter the bloom.

It is during this time you will see people sitting under trees having a meal spending time with nature.

The cherry blossom is a joyful symbol of life.

When Goodbye Is Right

2007-03-11T18:19:00.000-05:00

The other night a person I am fond of had this MSN tagline, “goodbye love, thanks it was a wild ride”.

Letting go of any relationship is difficult. I was having difficulty letting go; Daisuke and I cannot be lovers. But that tagline put it in perspective for me.

When Daisuke and I met at the beginning of July 2006 it was suppose to be a casual hook up. He did not want a relationship in his life. He just ended his four year relationship a few months previously. I was still working on my own health issues and did not feel I had enough handle on it to invite someone to share my life. Also I was helping my sister deal with her health issues. My career was providing great satisfaction. The weather was beautiful. The complexities of a relationship did not seem wanted.

But something happened on that afternoon. We felt a connection. Beyond a really hot afternoon we realised there was a similarity in feeling. We decided we owed it to ourselves to explore that connection. We felt emotions in a similar way; over the next 6 months that would become more evident. Whenever we were together it was as if our hearts were sharing some of the same place. It was comfortable and effortless. Sometimes when we were together it felt like two people in the same space sharing a body. Often it was hard to tell where one body began and ended. Yourself and mixed with that person at the same time. You wish you could just melt into them.

But because we had that potential for high then there is the potential for the low. Daisuke does not analyse his feelings. He feels them. Because we connected, when I went down he went down with me. That hurt us both in more ways than one. But regardless of the down time I liked who I was with him in the good times. I was a nice me.

Over that six months we loved, laughed, and played to a wonderfully high level. We had many great experiences. I have the pictures to prove it. We also seemed to appreciate things at a similar level. Wine, food, skies, sex, music, and more. I found myself getting closer and closer to him but on some level I knew the ride was ending. It was not the right time for either of us. We are still learning to find the right place in each others lives since getting off the ride. Time will play its role. But I think we will always know that we touched each others life. I think we will always be two people who enjoy each others company.

Though that was a good rational decision it always takes the heart a little while to catch up. We would all be lying if we did not admit that in every casual encounter there is a sliver of desire or hope that this person be THE person. That is where saying a goodbye to a possible relationship is difficult. Funny thing about my heart, it likes to let itself be informed by my brain. I realised I just had to figure out a way to say this to myself so I could help my heart move on.

We cannot command anyone’s presence in our lives but be thankful for the shared moments. We can anticipate with joy not hope, with desire not thought, with now not tomorrow. It would be arrogant folly to think that just because we desire a person they should desire us back in the exact way we wish. The lover has no freedom. And no one should want a lover in a cage.

It has been a wild ride!! SONOTORI!

*********************************************************************

This is also worth saying here. When I am not in a bipolar swing I can think all these thoughts and truly believe them and feel them. When I am down it robs me of all of this.

The Profound Sadness

2007-03-05T23:56:00.000-05:00

I am sad.

There seems something rather odd about saying that after a bipolar depressive episode I feel sad. A profound sadness, a by-product of depression, floods my heart.

Depression is the numbing loss of hope where everything is rendered meaningless, tasteless, colourless. No joy, no peace, no love, no future. Darkness. Nothing but fucking grey darkness. Not even kind enough to be total black. Grey. Shadows. Echoes of joy, faint, barely audible in the darkness. I use to be happy?

Death is a worthy option when the psyche is dying a slow death to nothingness.

The sadness is all awareness. Awareness of how bipolar steals my time, my love, my peace, my center, my laughter. At these moments there is a profound sense of loss.

Three men have been in my life over the last four years and bipolar stole them from me. I know this ugliness was a part of their decision not to continue with me. The most recent lover to leave stings the most because my heart progressed further with him. He said, “It is too scary to love you.”

In the movie BABEL there is a scene with a young Japanese girl who is deaf and mute. She is playing in a games arcade with a female friend when a boy who thinks she is cute comes up behind her and says hello. He thinks she does not hear him so he taps her on the shoulder. When he quickly discovers she is a deaf mute he politely bows a little and backs away.

No one says, “Let me date the cripple!”

How many times do and will potential lovers back away from a deeper intimacy with me because bipolar is too much to ask them to take on? I am never angry or upset with a person because they back away from this. I would probably do the same thing. I understand. It still sucks.

The normal challenges of life are difficult. Living with a partner with a permanent health issue is more than challenging. I think it would be different if the illness came after the relationship had a chance to build a foundation. I think it is necessary for any potential lover to know very soon after something starts that there is a permanent health issue that will influence our life. There will be days of ugliness. I expect all will walk.

I am a very silly and childlike and playful guy who can think big thoughts and pick his nose. I can debate philosophy and can pig out on super chocolate fudge ice cream while watching cartoons. I want to go on great adventures with someone. Bipolar steals that from me.

When I travel I can have and have had bipolar attacks. Pressure and time zones have something to do with it. I have to limit how many projects I take on and where I can look for work. I have to monitor my stress level and personal health too much. And the part that really pisses me off and really saddens is that no matter what I do there will always be the dark days. The days I cannot talk or reach out. The noise in my brain causes so much negative energy and pain that I cannot move through it. It is like watching a movie of yourself doing and saying and thinking things that you know are not your true actions, words, or thoughts. This madness takes over leaving all rational thought and emotional maturity paralysed.

The sadness is over this tremendous loss of time. There is a part of me that believes the illness will win. It has already beaten me on occasion. A part of the sadness is that my resilience will end. Instead of bending in the storm I will break. One day one episode will occur and I will not recover. There is a part of me in the midst of the sadness that wishes the darkness will swallow me and get it over with – why bother.

I feel my spirit is being chipped away at. And we all know no one will buy anything that is chipped.

But there is still hope in my heart. The silly child is in there. I am having a bit of difficulty remembering to play after the storm. Maybe in the times of peace the hope can grow. At least regain its strength to live a few moments of peace. To find joy and laughter.

Joshua Kreig's Eighth Annual Christmas Message

2006-12-24T21:32:00.000-05:00

Every year before writing the current Christmas message, I return to the posts of Christmas past and read them in order. Despite the occasional wince from bad writing, I gain perspective on what I have said, what I want to say, and how it all fits together.

It is a life lesson exercise each year to see my own personal journey. When I reread each, I remember the ‘me’ that wrote it. This year I read with greater feeling than previous years. It was poignant reading of my love and joy and my fear and pain of the last eight years. The realities since changed and the ones that are recurring themes frozen for me to review. The process places me in a mental state to write from a place of hope and not of fear. It strips away the masks of performance I often wear as I exist and allows the heart to inform thought.

This year I became more and more aware of the true theme and core value of everything that I have written. I have come to understand what the highest value we can possibly strive for in life is Peace. I have discovered that it is through peace that we achieve everything in life. A peaceful heart allows everything else to happen both personally and globally. Everything on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs requires the soil of peace to grow. Violence uproots all. I search for peace.

Two thousand years ago the myth of an angel proclaimed, “Peace on earth, and goodwill towards all.” We westerners measure all true success by that benchmark. Sadly, we fall short of that benchmark in so many ways. This is not the view of the cynic or pessimist for the world today screams out for a peace that is smothered in the din of violence.

Violence is anything that destroys global or personal peace. Further tears for the fact that there is so much truly beautiful good news in the world swallowed up in the media roar of violence both global and personal.

These two forces are constantly at work in the world. These two forces are at work in my heart. When we understand what causes violence and peace both globally and personally, we can meet the benchmark. I ask myself, “What would a global peace look like?” “What would a personal peace look like?”

What would a Global Peace on Earth look like? Peace is not a goal but an effect of action. Peace is the result of economic security. Peace is the result of social security. Peace is the result of human security. Any type of violence in economic, social, and human security causes a disruption in peace.

This year I have wondered, “What is my responsibility to global peace?” We westerners believe the way in which our social/political culture evolved is the best model of social evolution. To prove this point think of a system of social/political thought other than your own and ask yourself if you want to have that as your system of thought? Most westerners I know would say they are quite happy to keep Western thought and work out the bugs in the system. The Western system is in constant need of a Service Pack and we accept that and continue to work within the framework.

Despite the imperfections in the matrix, we stick with this one and keep tweaking it. Our systems evolve. Ideologies shift. The major event for all western systems of thought is revolution and often-violent revolution. It seems we forget that the price of our peace was violence. Nevertheless, what part must we play in the violence of peace for others?

I am not sure if Canada sending military to Afghanistan was the right thing to do but it leads me to this thought. Here we westerners sit, the Ivory Tower lot, in our swivel chairs reading this message using a technology we take for granted when 70% of the world has not heard a dial tone let alone have adequate economic, social, and human security.

If our democracy and ideology is to survive, must it be defended? What exactly does defending it mean? Anything from intercultural exchanges to looking down the barrel of missile launchers appears to be the vehicles of peaceful global democracy. This is not a manifesto to pick up arms but an acknowledgement of a real force in the world today.

I finally figured out why I hated the sentence, “We live in a post 9/11 world.” It was too global. Other than Western countries and maybe more important the North American Western countries the rest of the world was already existing in that world. Many holders of Western ideology have been lulled into a false sense of peace the further removed they are from their democratic revolution.

September 9/11 was the return of Western ideals to the global ideological theatre of war. In addition, because of the invasion of media the war is writ large for all to participate. Some participate from the barrel of a missile launcher while others participate from the lap of luxury provide by the spoils of violent democratic revolution.

For peace to exist in our world the systems of thought are going to have to coexist. Can secular and religious societies coexist? Can western socialist/capitalist democracies coexist with communist societies? Can Shari and Islamic law coexist with Jewish law or Western democracy? We westerners do believe that peace is fundamental to democracy. We believe that democracy is fundamental to peace.

Western ideology has tried to create a system of rules of fair play and civility to illustrate itself. However, Western ideology must accept the reality that other systems of thought have a different system of fair play and civility. Then we must ask some hard questions. When peace is not present must Western ideology do whatever is necessary to return to the state of peace? When the rules of fair play are broken, must those following them decide which rules they are also willing to break for the ideology to survive?

Maybe it is because war has changed that we do not see the lines of thought. From history, it was easy to see the global battles of ideology play out. We lined up our plastic soldiers and had at it. However, as war has changed we have had to create another vocabulary to look after such messiness as “collateral damage”.

The two questions we countries of economic, social, and human security have to ask ourselves are:

“What is our responsibility in creating a global peace?”

“Is a fundamental part of Western democracy the obligation to participate in a global revolution of ideologies where there will be instances when breaking the letter of ideological law is needed in order to maintain the spirit of ideological law?”

This is a nice peace of theory but it becomes messy in the face of what one ideology calls violent human rights abuses by another ideology. Maybe first, we have to agree on what we want a global peace to look like. However, trying to guarantee the economic, social, and human security of all is the best place to start.

What would a personal peace look like? I would have to say the perfect model for a personal peace in my life right now is the one I share with my sister. The violence of our personal illnesses has forged a strong peace between us. I do not think I have ever said it like that before. My sister is the only person in my life with whom I have absolute peace. We know the violence intimately but we created a space where we have peace. This peace allows us to survive the violence.

Our relationship is the only one that truly reaches my personal peace benchmark. She is the only person I could ask for anything and never feel an expectation. She is the one I feel comfortable saying anything to without fear of an expectation or a balance sheet. This is quite remarkable when seen in the light of previous posts. There is always a checks and balance sheet running to a greater or lesser degree in all of my other relationships. We use our peace together to find individual peace that we can spread to other areas of our lives.

This year I achieved a bit more peace with Bipolar though I know I am nowhere near the peace I desire. In February of 2006, I went on a two-week silent retreat to regain some sanity . On this retreat, I gained an insight into managing the illness that I continue to strive to accomplish. I learned that I have to manage Bipolar lovingly to have any sense of peace. Trying to fight it causes violence.

I also have had to accept that the illness has great violence associated with it. It robs me of peace and time. It robs me of intimacy with people I love. This year I have learned to ride the waves of depression and do what I must to survive. Then as global peacemaker Mattie Stepanick once said, I “Remember to play after every storm.” This becomes a greater challenge for me now as I have also developed symptoms of migraines this past year.

Another great source of peace for me is seeing my sister arrive. She said to me yesterday that this was the first time in her life that she did not feel like the poor foster kid. To be a part of that is a great honour and joy. There will be days when we both shall think that our peace is fleeting but our peace now has a depth that does not shake.

This year she became my big sister, the company is great. As we create a stronger economic, social, and human security with each other, we achieve a greater personal peace. We are now ready to collaborate and join forces to create something greater than each of us. Who knows we just might create global peace as we strengthen our personal peace.

The mystics were right; the individual heart living in peace creates a harmony of peace throughout the world. My responsibility is to nurture peace in my personal life and to nurture peace in our world. When we believe that peace is the greatest fundamental underscoring all life, and accept our responsibility to create this peace, will we learn to stop the violence we perpetuate against peace. Then the angel will not have spoken a myth those two thousand years ago but provided a path towards, “Peace on earth, and goodwill towards all.” Come along!

Merry Christmas and a Peaceful New Year.

xo
Joshua

(December 24, 2006)

Posts of Christmas Past

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas99.html
http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2000.html
http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2001.html
http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2002.html
http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2003.html
http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2004.html
http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2005.html

Tony Bennett Versus The Other Guy

2006-12-14T23:47:00.000-05:00

So anyway I was on amazon reading some record reviews of Tony Bennett CDs and this guy was saying how Frank Sinatra made better records then Tony Bennet.

**************
My dear man I guess you have not heard the compilation called JAZZ or how about The Beat of My Heart an amazing experiment in vocal and percussion, Home Town, My Town is a much more well conceived and executed album tribute to NYC than Frank's Come Fly With Me. The Bassie stuff is top quality. Bennett is a singer. A singer who loves the American Song Book. A singer who loved Jazz and constantly did quality side projects that his record label discouraged. Probably one of the few mistakes in the long and disguished career of Clive Davis.

Frank Sinatra was an Entertainer. Was he a Singer/Actor or Actor/Singer. I think Frank Sinatra was a fantastic entertainer and the style of singing was that of an entertainer. I actually think he is more entertaining as an actor. I have never been a fan of his phrasing and have always found it somewhat flat and uninspired. Yeah I just said all that. But yes Frank was a star and a damn good entertainer. I don't think he and Tony Bennett should be compared. The same way we can never ask who is the greater athlete, Tiger Woods or Michael Jordon?

And in the end we can always go with the oft-quoted Frank Sinatra who said, "for my money, tony bennett is the best singer in the business".

**********

I could ramble on about longevity in career and Bennett actually walking away from the music business and doing his own label to produce his own music.

Imaginary Photo Booths

2006-10-17T18:17:00.000-05:00

The Simple Things

2006-10-12T20:45:00.000-05:00

A boy and firm jello, it must be firm.

nature's embrace

2006-10-03T18:18:00.000-05:00

Every time we stop to admire nature, we accept its embrace. We let nature hold us in a moment of innocent wonder. For a moment, we accept the majestic awe.

Daisuke and I seem to share a similar appreciation for nature. Especially skies. Maybe it is also because we "feel" things in a similar way. It is very nice just to watch a sky. Hold hands. Drink wine. Smoke a joint. There is simplicity of the moment. Everything is in appreciation. We watch clear night skies and marvel at the crispness of the lights on the buildings, the blackness of the sky, and the twinkle of the stars. (There is a story involving a clear night sky at a bed and breakfast in Niagara on the Lake and two high boys staring up at the sky wondering why the stars were turning on and off, but that can be for another day.)

We watch storm clouds roll in and get excited with the anticipation of thunder and lightening – and the RAIN. Clear brilliant spectrum blue cloudless days. Big fluffy cotton billow clouds drifting by. We comment on all skies it would seem. I like to come up with ways of describing skies, Epic, Biblical, Menacing, Gentle, Playful, Majestic; tonight’s sky was Glorious.

I was up on the deck taking a picture of it and was going downstairs to text message Daisuke. When I got downstairs, I found a text message from him telling me, “the sky is so nice, it looks like a painting.” Being in the same moment is nice.

There is something very healing and calming when that moment is with a sky. I guess I am learning the true meaning of the Buddhist “now”. I am calmed when I stop to watch a sky. For a brief moment, I stop competing with nature and allow it to be.

“I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.” (E.B. White – 1956)

Daisuke Daisuki

2006-07-10T22:30:00.000-05:00

7000 spoken words

"Let's face the music and dance!"

Black and White Colours

2006-06-17T22:31:00.000-05:00

Feeling a thousand times better. See the two thousand words below!

*********************************************************************************

Storms Passing

2006-06-14T00:43:00.000-05:00

Confessions of a Cyberslut

2006-04-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

I have always considered myself a lazy writer. Actually I am. But recently I was going through my back catalogue and found I have been a bit more prolific than I thought. So I thought I would dust some off for my new blog readers and those not familiar with some of the older stuff. Also it saves me the trouble of having to sit and be original for a while.

This piece was first published in a local Toronto mag called Celebrasian (circa 1998). Celebrasian was the community mag for a group called Gay Asians of Toronto. An acquaintance, Jimm Tran, took it on as a volunteer project and asked for my assistance. After a falling out with GAT Jimm and I went on to found DRAGUN magazine.

The article was also republished by the now defunct CODECODE the NYU website exploring the advent of the internet and relationships (circa 1998).

Enjoy!

Confessions of a Cyberslut!

by Joshua Kreig

It's 3:27am. Friday. I am trying to get off. Offline. I've been chatting with some guy from Australia in cyberspace for an hour. I yawn. He is typing nothing to get my blood pumping or anything else for that matter. I had my hand in mind. I thought I was beyond seeking out sex, or in reality -- intimacy, on the net. This is a remarkable achievement, for I am one of those people who thought he would never go to a bathhouse or a porn theatre: and has since gone to both. Now a cyber-whore.

I am considered easy on the eyes by many. I have been in a few relationships with men who are even easier on the eyes. My real-time sex life is satisfying; I enjoy a man's body regularly. But yet I find myself irresistibly drawn to anonymous sexual exploits. Something tells me I should be above and beyond such base desires.

In true St. Augustine fashion I must confess. I engage in cyber-sex. At one time a lot. I enjoy the challenge of seduction. Though there are many projects I should be working on; channelling my libidinal energy towards more fecund endeavours... it is 3:27am, Friday and I'm trying to get off. It is easy. It strokes the ego.

Sexual release is a drug. Safe, easy, ego drug. Hmmmm. That is enough of a sociological, physiological, and psychological reason to explain my behaviour. No wonder I am having so much trouble getting that screenplay on paper. The little head has a much more direct and powerful line of thinking for its actions. The big head gladly surrenders its lofty erudite ambitions for a share of concupiscence.

I can even rationalise it as a writer. It is an act of the creative muse. I have been doing it for so long now that I approach it as a challenge; to have a different sexual exchange with each person I encounter. I have become quite proficient at describing sex acts. I have even tried a few activities I would never contemplate with a corporeal partner, water sports for starters.

And who needs a condom in the virtual bathhouse. It can be as raw and as nasty as one may wish. Cyberspace has become the largest purveyor of safe sex. Yes, viruses do abound and are sometimes passed on maliciously, but cures are created contiguously. The relieving of computer ills ranks higher than that four-letter acronymic health crisis and many others to boot. Though I run the risk of catching something from a cyber tramp, I will always walk away, sexually relieved and healthy, at least physically.

The debate rages on as to whether the super highway has/is causing us to be supra alienated from one another. Like all good questions, the answer is both yes and no. For gay men, there are a few extra nods on the yea side.

I believe that the Internet has been a godsend for the gay community. On many occasions, I chat with young gay men in their late teens and early twenties, from all over the world, who have no gay outlet, except the Internet. The Internet is their sole avenue of homosexual expression. It is the first meeting place for many gay men as they search for meaning to their sexual identity. The Internet is allowing them to not be isolated with their feelings. Millions of ones and zeroes screaming out for attention. Lonely voices tapping out at 33.6kbps, searching for another to confirm they are not alone.

I remember growing up as a teen, long before computers, and feeling I was the only gay person in the world. I was very alone and had not a soul with whom to share my quest. Today, gay men around the world are able to reach out to each other and say, "Hi, you are not alone! I am here!" That is AWESOME!

Though the hunger is temporarily satiated, in the end the appetite still yearns. Therein lies the cyber shortfall. I believe long-term Internet relationships cannot work. They cannot work because they leave us wanting! They do not match our ideas and traditional assumptions of what relationships should be. We can blame bad theological interpretations of the Letters of St. Paul for this.

We are taught from a young age that we consist of a body and a soul, or spirit. These two parts are linked together by the act of conception and birth. Even though most people put a greater emphasis on the spirit, placing it superior to the body, such is not really the case. The body and spirit are in a synergistic relationship. Kinda like you can't have one without the other and one plus one equals three.

It is through the five senses of the body that our spirit grows to understand what life is all about. It is our unique ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch that lends the spirit its life and meaning. They are intertwined. In the end, all our experiences in life have to be the body feeding the spirit. The more senses involved in the experience, the stronger the experience, and thus more fulfilling for the spirit and hence the total person.

Now the Internet. When communicating with others, it is a very limited experience on the sense level. We have not been trained to accept anything but a full sense experience of people. As time goes on, we may accept that we will have relationships with people with whom we will never share physical touch. We are nowhere near that time.

This is evident by the fact we want to know what a person looks like, sounds like. We exchange pictures and .wav files. I am not saying we cannot have relationships over the Internet. I am saying there are limits as to where they can go and what we should expect. There is a man I have been chatting with in Singapore. I know what he looks like and sounds like; I've chatted with him on the phone. I was supposed to go visit him recently but that got cancelled. I was rather disappointed. I was hoping by being with him, our relationship would become stronger and better... or maybe even end... those are the risks of full sense experiences. We finally did hook up here in Toronto and discovered we are good friends and not the material of lovers.

We are a physical species. In the end we want to hold people and be held by people. And as far as a lover goes, IBM is kind of non-responsive. The Internet will never replace staring across a room and making eye contact with the cutest boy, holding hands in the dark, or that first passionate kiss with someone new.

In the end, I think the Internet is a great thing, a great place for relationships to form, but we either have to lower our expectations as to what the end of that relationship will be or our understanding of what exactly a relationship is. I think it is impossible to have a lover on the Internet. Sharing one's mind and thoughts is great, but with a lover we want to share our body as well. The Internet may introduce people and begin a relationship, but it will always have to end in a physical consummation (soon) or it will remain a friendship or a heart yearning. Not a bad thing but a limit.

Who knows, the advent of cyber worlds and virtual realities may increase the senses we feel, but that again will be a brave new world with its own expectations and limits.

See you online!!!

Lesson learned, relearned, and learned again.

2006-04-17T20:22:00.000-05:00

One of the most important books I have read in the last five years is don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements.

Something or more correctly someone hurt me recently that made me go back and reread part of the Ruiz book.

The Second Agreement - Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

So easy to read so hard to live.

Not Ready To Play Nice - Dixie Chicks

2006-04-14T14:01:00.000-05:00

(You can hear it all here. Just wait for the chorus to kick in then turn it loud. Dixie Chicks.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Everybody Is Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

2006-04-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

This is a rather interesting piece that I have used in my advanced ESL classes. The piece has an interesting urban myth history. Here is the back ground:

http://www.bondon.com/sunscreen_song.html

I have included the original version and title. But if you can track down the original music mix by Baz Luhrmann have a listen. I have it if you desire a listen.

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"ADVICE, LIKE YOUTH, PROBABLY JUST WASTED ON THE YOUNG"
by Mary Schmich.

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

*************************************

Best Bitchy/Heartache Breakup Song

2006-03-29T23:31:00.000-05:00

I was chatting with a friend and he asked me what I thought was the best bitch slap breakup song. For me the hands-down winner is Tony Bennett's version of I Wanna Be Around . BUT I also volunteered the best rip your heart out breakup song, Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me. Please don't get the George Michael version of the Raitt song.

I Wanna Be Around

I wanna be around to pick up the pieces
When somebody breaks your heart
Some somebody twice as smart as I

A somebody who will swear to be true
As you used to do with me
Who'll leave you to learn
That mis'ry loves company, wait and see

I mean, I wanna be around to see how he does it
When he breaks your heart to bits
Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine

And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet
As I sit there applaudin' from a front-row seat
When somebody breaks your heart
Like you, like you broke mine.

I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Horoscope Horror

2006-03-27T17:00:00.000-05:00

When trying to come to terms with a final decision one has made one should NEVER read horoscopes. This afternoon I saw an article on the Canadian music scene from yesterdays Toronto Star and how it is at an all-time high. I turned the page to see if the article continued and BAMN there were the horoscopes. Now I rarely read them except as the last ditch read on public transit. Yesterday's said:

Just because a certain arrangement has a history of going wrong, doesn't mean that it's bound to go wrong again. This time around, you'll be far more successful.

That's just plain cosmic chance mindfucking evil. Read below and by the end it will all make sense.

Stepping Out of the Shadows of "WE"

2006-03-27T16:06:00.000-05:00

I have discovered that life is a process of learning the same lesson repeatedly. I hope that each time the lesson comes around I learn it at bit of a deeper level than previously. There are many metaphors: the onion, the concentric circles, the mountain.

The onion is pretty cool because the peeling back of the layers can cause a lot of pain and tears and there is very little and often nothing at the center. The Buddhists probably like that one. The concentric circles work as often we are going around in circles and it takes a dramatic event or force to bump us into an inner circle or maybe we may end up farther from the center circle. This is maybe a good one for the Greek Aristotelians. The mountain offers much as an incline requires constant energy and hopefully the higher up the clearer the air and the better the view. The movement upward despite struggle is probably good for the Christians and most religions.

Now all that is wonderful theory to state but hindsight is what makes it palatable.

Last night I had dinner with my friend Bao and he was telling me about his latest relationship gone wrong. It turns out that my friend becomes too attentive to his partners. He practically dotes over them. He quickly becomes a combination of friend, lover, and mother. He treats his partners too good too soon.

Now I am not saying he should change who he is as a person but it is very easy to be taken advantage of or to be taken for granted in such situations. There is a fine line between attentiveness to a partner’s desires and wants and smothering and mothering.

I am always reminded of Kahlil Gibran’s words on marriage in Chapter Three of The Prophet:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

This passage is a staple at Christian weddings. Many people forget that before they became a “we” they were a “me” and a “you”. It is only by continuing to allow the “me” and “you” to grow as individuals will there be a strong “we”. I want a partner who is pursuing his life with passion. I want him to be able to say, “Guest what happened to day?” and I not know. That is where the excitement and fun is.

As I was listening to my friend I was paying my usual attention to eyes and body language. I think he is getting disillusioned with repeated failures. He hates the dating part of relationships which is why he moves into the acting like partners too fast. He said that he has known very soon after each of his relationships started that the fat lady should have gotten on stage and belted out her requiem. On some level I think the over-attentiveness is somehow fueled by the need to hang on to what has come his way. He settles for partners because the fear of having to date and go through it all again is too distasteful.

To me it is all about loneliness. As a species humans really hate being alone. I think being alone reminds us of the possibility of having nothing and no one to share our lives with. Deep loneliness reminds us of death. I am happy to say I have not felt lonely in a long time. I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy the time I spend lollygagging around the house or out about town alone. To me a good book or movie is as rewarding as a good conversation. They each have a place and time.

So much of living is a struggle against loneliness.

My friend is looking for someone to share his life with. He is happy with his career, his financial world is stable and profitable, he has a good circle of friends, but no one to share it with on a “we” level. I think when he learns to be single he will learn to be a partner.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

We also talked about how easy it is to give such advice but not to follow it. He once told a friend, “Relationships are like plants that need the right amount of water and sunlight. Too much water they drown and die. Too little water they dry up and die.” The quest is to find the right balance between support and nurture for our partners and ourselves and the right amount of independence for each. This is easy advice to give but hard to follow when the consuming fires of love and passion, fear and loneliness, commingle in the lovers dance.

One thing that I notice about all past relationships, and this is true for me as well, is the lingering of memory. There is a need to swim around in the pain of goodbyes. There has not been a day since I came back from my retreat that Allan has not been on my mind: his smile, his humour, his passion, his cute butt. The moment I stop being busy he is there. But then the devil on the other shoulder says, “DUDE!! Don’t forget all the pain and trouble. Just because you really like someone does not mean you should be with that person!” Nasty little devil.

The other day I was thinking about him for an hour and a half. I had a student from the Philippines. She would probably be a little younger or the same age as Allan’s mother. I taught her for two classes. Hearing her talk about the Philippines and the concerns of immigrant mothers made me wonder if his mother was similar. The student is raising her 11 year old daughter by herself. She is a talented woman but being in a foreign environment where language sophistication can be the difference between success and merely living, I could see the fear and insecurities and how they were keeping her from passionately exploring her life’s possibilities. I wonder if she is passing those fears and insecurities on to her child.

She is afraid to sit and read at length and journal because of the difficulty. And her daughter has the same problem. I said to her that if she wants her daughter to read and write well she will have to model those for her child. This seemed to affect her deeply. I could see it in her eyes. She now realized that becoming a better reader and writer herself was also for her daughter. I suggested she have a reading hour on the weekend with her daughter. They sit and read together. They each get something they want to read by themselves and then when they finish reading they tell each other what their reading was about. Her daughter will only do what is modeled. Giving her daughter the gift of books will change both of their lives, especially as immigrants to an English language country.

Also I got her to start a gratitude journal to practice her writing. This is something I discovered on my retreat. Everyday in a journal I hand write one page with the heading, “Five things I am grateful for today!” I have not missed a day and it really helps me celebrate my life by focusing on the good things. Well sort of focusing as this part of the post is proving I am still focusing on someone.

The Filipino mother took to this idea very well. When I told her she would be one of my five things for that day you could see her face light up. Someone was listening to her and helping her achieve her goals. Not merely pointing out grammar mistakes and pronunciation problems.

I think that is what we have to do with the people in our lives. We teach and learn by example. But we need to give, and have for ourselves, the space to grow as individuals. Then and only then will the “we” be a healthy combination of the “you” and “me”.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Suicide in Canada

2006-03-26T16:34:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all those who wrote me personal emails regarding my last post. They are greatly appreciated. Here are some statistics for Canada.

http://www.suicideinfo.ca/youthatrisk/professionals/trend.htm

"Each year, on average, 294 youth die by suicide. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for youth aged 10-24, following motor vehicle collisions. Although suicide rates for 10- to 19-year-olds have remained consistently below the overall suicide rates, suicides in this age group began to rise in the early 1960s and tripled by the late 1970s. In recent years, the rate for 15- to 19-year-olds has begun to approach the general population's rate of 13 per 100,000. Suicide rates for 10- to 14-year-olds have also increased, but remain below 2.5 per 100,000. Studies show a significant percentage of adolescents contemplate, plan or attempt suicide without seeking or receiving help. Males are less likely than females to seek help from any source."

Let's play with some Numbers (approx)

33,000,000 = Canadian population

4290 = Suicides per year based on 13 suicides per 100,000 people (source above).

26,000 = total suicide attempts: source - The Hospital Morbidity Database: 87 attempts per 100,000 people

Let’s compare!

26,000 = population estimates for Pickering, Ontario. People between the ages of 5-24. Source - Stats Can 2001.

19,000 = The Air Canada Centre in Toronto seating capacity – Source ACC website.

6000 = Starbucks stores in 30 countries around the world. Source Starbucks website.

12,000 = Sheridan College student population. Source – College Surfing

37,000 = Full-time student population University of Toronto downtown campus.

3330 = Deaths from motor vehicle accidents in 1997 (Stats Can)

If 4290 committed suicide and each only new 10 people that would be 42,900 people affected by the death.

If 26,000 people attempted suicide and each new only 10 people that would be 260,000 affected by the attempt.

That's a lot of people needing attention!

Slam Dance

2006-03-23T19:17:00.000-05:00

The other night someone I have had strong feelings for, and I would say that I still have strong feelings for, and I would have to even honestly admit a little part of me had been holding out for a possible reunion in the future, did something that cut very deep. It severed the emotional umbilical cord that had me tethered to him.

On his blog he wrote:

"...it turned out two fucking retards decided to kill themselves by jumping in front of a GO train. I had to take the bus which took over an hour to get to Union."

In a follow up entry after getting some flack about not understanding what people go through and that it was a shame that the death of two human beings was an inconvenience to his day he wrote:

"Wow. I get this anonymous comment about the train suicide shit about how I am insensitive and all that.

First of all, I will state that I have no sympathy for people who commit suicide. Especially if you are a couple who commits suicide. I find that pathetic and selfish. If one commits suicide, I strongly believe it's not out of pain or because they can't live this life anymore, it's because they want attention. They are doing it on purpose. So if two jackasses decide to kill themselves for whatever reason, I won't have any sympathy."

At this time in my life, I never slam people publicly. Even as a younger man, I would have verbal sword fights in private. But those entries really got under my skin.

After having invited this man into my life, countless hours in my bed, hours of conversations and chats on msn, taking him back after numerous episodes of his drama, I felt so hurt and disrespected that I lashed out in public. I published the following piece on his blog. And seeing as I have posted this here I guess I am still really pissed. (It’s not nice to piss Joshua off! Especially for the person who has pissed Joshua off!)

This was my cathartic response.

(note: I have not included his name or blog because this entry is for me. There is no need for you to think ill of him as I am thinking it enough for us all.)

As a person who suffers from Bipolar Mood Disorder in a bad way for about 20 years and have had depressive episodes that lasted a year I will have to say [name -] I am shocked at your callousness.

CALLOUSNESS.

I have never slammed you in public before (it is not my style) but this is an occasion where I feel you crossed a line of common decency. You have made a grave error in judgement. For someone who has aspired to be a writer you have no understanding of the power of the written word. It has the ability to lift a heart or plunge it into darkness.

(And I am sure you will give me your, “I blow things out of proportion as a joke but when I am being serious about certain things, I am straight to the point and blunt about it…I am writing it to give it more of a dramatic effect…over exaggerate...otherwise, my blog would be boring, tasteless and just like any other blog”)

Well you got the tasteless part right with those two entries.

You know when it came to my illness when we were “dating” I never felt safe with you for some reason. I never thought I could trust you with my fear and pain. Now I know why. I never felt you respected it or that you could be caring or compassionate when it came to the illness. You are the epitome of an aggressively apathetic public. There were many times over the last 5 years when the illness was at its worse that death seemed a welcome release from the pain. There were times I took a survey of how much meds I had in the house and how fast they would work. What is your friend in Ajax suppose to think or feel when he reads those two blog entries? I know there were many times he and I could have chosen to end it all. We have consistently chosen life but on any day, it could have gone very differently.

What even shocks me more is that you yourself have had pain in your life and I would think that it would have made you more mature and caring towards others. You have a cold heart. A selfish heart. A cruel heart. A self-absorbed heart.

When it comes to your talent, I think you have a very bright future. I hope that your personality will catch up to your talent for right now it is lagging far behind.

I guess the $45 I spent on those books for you to understand bipolar was a waste of my time and money. I’d like to get them back so I can give them to someone I can call a caring and understanding friend.

Consider yourself lucky that you have my signature on that release form. If I had read those posts beforehand, you would be editing me out of your short film. I could write a dozen pages on this but in my heart you are not worth taking all that time. I have not felt more hurt or disrespected by you. You have betrayed any feelings or caring I have ever had for you.

I have no idea what his response has been as I have not read his blog since posting that and there is a good chance that I will not for a while. (Bruce you were right, one should not read ex's blogs.) Why would anyone wish to return to the seen of a crime to look at his or her blood on the ground. Maybe the rain of time will wash it in the gutter - with the severed umbilical cord.

Retreat Treat (Part Two) The Big Insight

2006-03-22T00:57:00.000-05:00

Retreat Treat (Part Two) - The big insight!

From experience, I can say retreats are a curious thing. Prior to a retreat there is a list of things that one feels they need to look at or work on. I thought I was going to be looking at some of my family ghosts. I thought I was going to have to look at my lack of motivation and focus. I thought I was going to have to look at what am I doing with my life. Boy was I wrong.

The big insight arrived when I came face to face with my Bipolar II Mood Disorder. I learned a lot about my illness. Though I had come a long way since my diagnosis in September of 2001, I hit a dead zone this past six months. I used pot as a crutch; it got me through January and February. Between November and January, my alcohol consumption was higher and solo. I was in so much pain that I had to numb myself to the world in order to make it to the retreat.

Moreover, like many bipolar people I was able to conceal all that chaos. I kept my work schedule except for a few crashes here and there. I maintained most of my social engagements and between January 4th and the beginning of my retreat on February 27th I even started exercising on a consistent basis.

However, beneath all that I was falling apart. I was going mad. I was cycling through highs and lows at a break neck pace. Sometimes I would take my meds; sometimes I would forget, and never on a fixed schedule. I kept a smile on at work with my students and colleagues.

One thing I am thankful for is that I have learned to turn my illness inward as opposed to previously thrusting it outwards. There is a little collateral damage in my past. Now some people might say that internalising all that garbage is a bad thing. I on the other hand would rather hurt myself than hurt other people. I do not lash out anymore.

On my retreat, I realised that I had a lot of anger, fear, and frustration towards the illness. I was fighting it consciously and unconsciously. Whenever I would feel a dark spell coming I would get upset and that would cause it to get even worse. Before you knew it, I was spiralling downwards in a quagmire of negative emotions. On my retreat I read, “Loving Someone with Bipolar” by Julie Fast. The book is written for the partners of bipolar people. Because the book is not written for me, I was able to read it with a cool intellectual detachment. I was able to sidestep the emotional baggage and look at it as eavesdropping on a counselling session.

During the reading, it was all resonating with me. Every page had a new insight that helped me understand the illness more. I had to accept that bipolar is not going to go away. To complain about it and fight it is like complaining about or fighting being right-handed. It just is. The main point is I have to manage bipolar first. Only then will I be able to get on with life. I have to manage it lovingly. I cannot beat myself up over this. I have to manage it lovingly.

If I cannot love myself and treat myself well as I deal with all this then how can I invite anyone into my life to love me and treat me well.

This management philosophy is a difficult one. Since returning from my retreat there have been some bad days. What I have found is my new level of awareness is helping them not be so bad.

"You did what you knew how to do and now that you know differently you do differently." Maya Angelou (paraphrase)

(more to come)

Damn You Jerry McGuire

2006-03-14T00:19:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I spent a few hours with a Bipolar Comrade in Arms. For someone all of 21 he has a great handle on life. Sure, he has all the highs and lows of most semi-lunatics, and the fear, anger, and frustration that go along with it all, but he has a warm fuzzy center that is wise beyond his years.

After the bonding over our respective serotonin swirls, and like most gay men having chitchat, the conversation wound its way to relationships. What struck me as profound was that this young man knows what the most important thing in any relationship is. Now when you ask most people they will say chemistry, compatibility, or list various other traits they wish to find. The biggie I hear most often is PASSION! He said communication. To which of course I agreed. The most important characteristic of any relationship is communication. The ability for two people to try to understand each other through open dialogue is the cornerstone of any relationship.

We then began a discussion about how movies, songs, books, and other forms of entertainment down through the ages have really screwed up what people think relationships are. DRAMA!! All of the above have created basket case drama queens of most people when it comes to love. Most people’s ideas of what a relationship is come from movies. Case in point Jerry McGuire.

Oh how the masses swooned to the line, “You complete me.” What a bunch of rubbish. If you need to be completed by another person, you will never be whole. Only when we are comfortable within our own “aloneness” can we truly appreciate the togetherness. If you are running to the arms of another person to escape your own feelings of isolation and loneliness you will always live in fear of losing that person. You are not in the relationship because you want to enjoy the person you are there because you cannot be with yourself.

I have often said I want a lover who has 101 other options but has chosen to be with me. Not because they NEED me but because they want to enjoy me as much as I want to enjoy them.

The other thing we talked about is that movies and other entertainment have somehow made people believe that love is supposed to hurt. That love and pain are somehow caught in a twisted dance of fate. Anger and fighting are okay to these people. Word up, LOVE DOESN"T HURT!

I was recently dating (“dating” for lack of a better word) a guy who thought yelling and screaming and fighting were part of what made relationships passionate. Again someone misled by media. I use to fight and argue and get major pissed off, scream, and shout. But not anymore. It is destructive and anti-communication. When anger exists, love has taken a vacation. It is impossible to be angry and love at the same time. They are mutually exclusive. This does not mean a relationship will be without its tense times and misunderstanding that lead to hurt feelings. However, anger, which of course can only end in lashing out, is a destructive force that negates love. I know! I know up close and personal. I’ve tried, it don’t work.

Conflict in any relationship is an invitation to greater intimacy. An intimacy of vulnerability and trust where you know you will be treated with care and respect regardless of how difficult the situation. Sure, we will all lose our cool from time to time. As I like to say, anger is the face your heart puts on to keep people from seeing it cry. Anger is pain thrown outwards instead of inwards. The pain can be so hard that to acknowledge it would be too much.

I think the person I was “dating” actually thought less of our “relationship” because I did not fight with him. I was not showing passion. All the pop songs have anger and fighting, all the books have anger and fighting, all the movies have anger and fighting, and dare I say it, most of our homes when we were growing up had anger and fighting. The wrong behaviour is modeled and we blindly accept it as the way it should be. That is screwed up passion.

I refuse to fight in any of my relationships anymore be it family, friend, or lover. It hurts and is a total waste of time and emotional energy. I would rather hold someone and cry then be the person who screamed and yelled and made them cry. I’ve tried that, it sucks.

So if you are dating a person and his idea of romantic is Marlon Brando screaming Stella!!!!! Or good ole Jerry McGuire all teary-eyed saying, “You complete me.” You can bet you are about to get involved with a drama queen. I suggest you watch Chariots of Fire so you can learn to RUN! FAST!

Retreat Treat (part 0ne)

2006-03-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

Having the feeling you are going mad is not the most pleasant of feelings. Being conscious of it and thinking one is powerless to stop it is pretty damn scary. That was the last few months for yours truly.

On February 27, 2006, I scrambled together my last ounce of sanity and found a smidge of courage to take my ass to a retreat centre in Arnprior, Ontario. For the next 10 complete days, February 28 - March 9, I was in silence and solitude.

The beautiful thing about silence and solitude for me is it forces me to come face to face with my reality. There is no place to run, hide, or escape. All the scary places become your companions. Only when you befriend them do they lose their ability to kill you.

Over the next few weeks, I will be writing about some of the insights that came to me. While on retreat, I hand-wrote 80 journal pages and will share a few here. For anyone wrestling with some monsters I suggest a retreat to help you begin a healing process.

I was first introduced to the retreat process when I was 24. At that time, I was studying to be a Roman Catholic priest. Over the next four years, I went on a retreat twice a year. After leaving the seminary to explore life in a better way for me I gave up on all things Catholic and Christian.

In 1996 I decided it was important not to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. I realised that retreats were nothing about God or religion but about finding ones balance and learning to live a little more in harmony with oneself and the world. So in 1996 and then in 1998 I went on one retreat each year.

In 2001, my life fell so completely apart that I badly needed a retreat but did not have the mental clarity to realise it. Now here we are in 2006 and something inside of me told me my life was out of control and I had to do something about it.

The answer that came to me was, "Go on a retreat!" So began my 12 days of reconnecting with and in some cases finding myself.

A Planetary Valentine

2006-02-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

When will time end? Glad you asked. Geologically I cannot say. But I know spiritual time will begin when all things in the would are living in harmonic balance. But how do we get there? Good question. Harmonic balance is achieved through world peace. It looks as if geological time will not be ending anytime soon so we better get to work on spiritual time.

The only way to achieve any of this is to live respecting all life. Respecting all life does not mean we have to go and be vegetarians for the rest of our days or turn our lives upside down running off to join a third world missionary. It means we are good stewards of life. A good steward of life knows the ultimate goal of our world should be achieving world peace for that is the way to truly live. I think we would all be living longer healthier lives using a good stewardship model.

This happens through a simple choice. Love - the verb. Action. When we choose to love we engage life with a profound respect. Not merely love of ones own friends and family. Not merely love of ones own country or religion. Not merely love of ones own beliefs or politics. Love of life - all life. If you love life then you respect all life. You are a good steward of life.

It is when the love of life breaks down that the messy stuff happens: hate, violence, intolerance. And that messy stuff is not only in the scenes to be seen on the evening news. We all see the violence in our own lives. A dirty fight between lovers or friends is an act of violence. Every butting of heads in the professional world that leads to resentment and spite is an act of violence. Every “watch it asshole” or finger given a cabbie is an act of violence. Aggression is fine. We need that to survive. But there are so many tiny little acts of violent aggression. And the worst? The ones we commit when we know we should not. Because to choose to love at that point in time takes more courage and vulnerability then there seems to be in supply in our world right now.

To choose to love and stop acting out in violent aggression is the simple decision to not react out of anger and fear. Can you imagine if we completely stopped acting out in anger and fear. If violent aggression, and that being any aggression that does not respect the sanctity of all human life, was no more, we would have world peace. We would be good stewards of the world and there would be plenty for all people to live in harmonic balance with each other, with the planet, with life, with love.

When we are inside of love time is meaningless. Its significance ends. The end of time. When there is an absence or loss of love, time holds no promise but eternal bleakness.

And though I may have employed a little hyperbole here, in the end it has to be acted out in the small movements of our lives. And again the courage runs thin. I am guilty. Many times love is not fuelling my actions. If love was fuelling our actions that fuel would become energy for all of how life works. The energy of love transforms. I think life will evolve to the next level of consciousness when that happens. It makes so much sense but so hard to believe in - harder to do. The next evolution of consciousness has to be a creation of a global spirituality based on the guiding principles of love that allows for local expression but global respect for all.

Exactly how does love fuel our daily choices? I recently read this paraphrase of the popular1 Corinthians 13:4-8: of the Christian New Testament.

The love of which I speak is slow to lose patience;
It looks for ways of being constructive.
It is not possessive.
It is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish
inflated ideas of its own importance.
Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage.
It is not touchy
It does not keep account of evil.
It is always eager to believe the best.
Always hopeful
Always patient.
It is a love which knows no limit to its endurance
Not fading to its hope.
It is in fact the one thing that still
remains when everything else has disappeared.

Also I came across this little list things to consider in your approach. Good luck with the application and the courage needed for it.

WHAT LOVE DOESN'T

Love doesn't abuse or take you for granted
Try to change or re-arrange you
Blame you or carry angry grudges
Manipulate you by anger, loud voice or tears
Get you into win-lose situations
Give you unsolicited advice
Judge or tell you what is wrong with you
Just tolerate you as a condescending favor
Make you prove yourself again and again
Need be right, to have all the answers
Pout or refuse to talk to you
Punish you vindictively for being wrong
Remember the things you have done wrong
Seek and call attention to itself
Show off—to let you know where you stand
Undermine your confidence in yourself
Use you for his or her own gain then discard you
Ventilate its emotions on you as a garbage dump
Write you off because you didn't meet its demands

WHAT LOVE DOES

Love accepts you wherever you are
Affirms your goodness and giftedness
Cares about and wants to know if you are OK
Challenges you to grow to your potential
Empathizes—what it's like to be you
Encourages you to believe in yourself
Is Gentle in its way of dealing with you
Keeps confidences—your secrets are safe
Is Kind—is always for you on your side
Laughs a lot, always with never at you
Looks for goodness in you and finds it
Makes you feel glad that you are you
Overlooks your foolishness and human weaknesses
Prays for your needs and your growth
Sees good in you that others haven't noticed
Shares itself with you, by self-disclosure
Speaks up when you need someone to defend you
Is tactful even when confronting you
Takes responsibility for its own behaviour

Happy Valentine’s Day.

The James Frey Incident

2006-01-29T23:10:00.000-05:00

(the background)

How's this for armchair psychology. Addiction is a collapse of the ego. A collapse of the moral compass. A collapse of the conscience that helps us monitor our own behaviour. We are all looking at James Frey as a healthy individual. The first question to ask, “Is James Frey chemical free?” And even if he is, he has not done the real work to heal his ego. He obviously has no moral compass nor a conscience to monitor himself. The reason “AA” and other support organizations work is because they help rebuild the person that has been broken.

As a Bipolar Mood Disorder sufferer I feel actually sadness for James Frey. I can easily see the man is trying to cope with many demons. Its in his eyes. Sadly at the time he wrote his story he was not a healthy man. And maybe still is not. I am sure it is common knowledge that severe drug addicts have disassociations of reality. Often reality and fantasy blur and then commingle make each indistinguishable.

Beyond the story of literary ethics is the story of a man still out of control. He just happens to now have international fame and money. So I guess with noteriety and money he gets to be called the tragic artist. If he does not get help he will probably self-destruct.

And the good news is someone gets to write the James Frey scandal biography which will then become a bestseller.

HBC - Sold or sold out?

2006-01-29T23:03:00.000-05:00

(the background)

What’s at stake here?

The Hudson’s Bay Company’s goals are that of a viable business operation. Profit. That has been its goal from the early days of trading. When the point comes that the ownership has to question the viability of operations then choices have to be made.

No one would argue that HBC has become a piece of Canadian Heritage. But the heritage has been an after thought that has been provided by time and not a line in a business plan. Heritage costs money, it does not make money.

I would be interested to know how many of the “bleeding hearts” spend money at HBC. We cannot bemoan the loss of history if we have not been an active pattern in its survival. It falls into the category of saying, “I really like our Canadian literary and film offerings.” And yet then the only Canadian books/films digested by the same person are the ones on reading lists in high schools and universities.

I am as proud a Canadian as any and as un-American (as opposed to anti-American) as any in this country. I want us to be a country of culture and commerce. But if I am not proudly spending my money to support Canadian culture then I should shut my mouth. As Elvis sang, “A little less conversation a little more action…”

I too feel that Canadian identity is being swallowed up by the “Media Colonization and the Occupation of the Mind” that the USA is currently spreading. We do need not need more laws and tariffs to protect Canada. We need Canadians spending their money on Canadian Cultural endeavours. Buy a Canadian book, movie, CD. Go to our galleries, festivals, and museums. THEN when your precious source of culture is taken away? THEN you get to bitch.

So in the end behind the selling of HBC is the selling out of HBC by the Canadian consumer.

Joshua Kreig's Seventh Annual Christmas Message

2005-12-25T15:02:00.000-05:00

The Nature of Reality

Bill and Melinda Gates and U2 troubadour Bono were named Time Magazine’s Persons of the Year. Apparently on the short-list was Mother Nature. While what the Gates duo and Bono are doing for Africa is a very commendable enterprise alas the “person” with the greatest impact on our lives last year was Mother Nature. In Toronto, ever so far from the real action, all summer I heard people complaining about the weather. Oh how hot it was. Record heat and smog. Bring it on says I. Maybe not the smog.

I discovered that the reason Canada is such a peaceful country is we as citizens spend so much time talking about the weather and generally agreeing how crappy it is we have no time for major disagreements leading to disputes and violence. Maybe we need to send a team of expert meteorologists to Quebec. The weather can distract.

But by the by as it can distract it can draw our attention to the true starkness of our reality. All of human history can be seen as a species trying to come to terms with its environment. Human kind went from being the victims of nature to harnessing it and dominating it. Every now and then we fool ourselves into believing we are on top. A tsunami, a couple of hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides, to name a few, come along to remind us that we are only suppose to have dominion over all the critters and growing things on the earth. The earth itself is the true master of the human animal. Nature has dominion over us.

E.B. White is my favourite essayist and any writer hoping to elevate the ordinary of life to the extraordinary should read him. He once wrote, “I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.”

Life expectancy in Canada is 76 years for men and 83 years for women. Regardless of which version of “how long ago or how life got here” you believe, our turn on the ride of life is rather short in the totality of human history and less significant in the planets history. Nature was here first. People second. If history is an indicator of the future then it stands to reason that nature will outlive people. She has the longevity gene stacked in her favour.

I think there is a movement for us to start living a more integrated existence with our planet. This movement is small and has great obstacles to overcome so it needs all our help. But if we want to be able to focus on the building of relationships with others we have to realise that our first relationship is with the planet. Without it there is nothing. Struggling with it is mere survival.

The other big nature I have come to understand a bit more this year is human. Though I no longer believe in organized religion I feel more and more spiritual all the time. And I have realised that my writing is how I express my spirituality. I think spirituality is the quest to find out what it is we all share. We hope that there is someone we can connect with and maybe even more important influence. I think we all want to know we matter and in some way affect the lives of those around us and maybe across a world.

I am filled with awe at the idea and certainty that there are many students from all over the world: Mexico, Japan, Brazil, Korea, Chile, Columbia, Venezuela, Guatemala, Iran, Argentina, Russia, Spain, Germany, Italy, Taiwan, China, Portugal, Serbia and Poland who feel their lives are a little better for knowing me and I was more than a teacher of English to them. The humbling beauty of it is, I learned more from them than they did from me.

I am a student of human nature. It is my hobby and passion and this past two years it has been my vocation. I have said so many times this year, “I have learned more about the world working at Berlitz than I have from any travelling I have done.”

Picture it. On vacation everything is a postcard. Snap, Sydney Opera House in the backdrop. Snapping the Petronis Towers. Boating down a river in Bangkok. Standing on a beach in Phuket. Cows in Chicago. Everything is a postcard. Memories of movement captured in something static. We look and touch but how often do we really feel and understand the places we are in.

Over the past two years the world has come to me. I have asked a lot of questions. I asked a few German students, “How do Germans today perceive their 20th Century history?” I asked an Iranian student if it was difficult to be living a very open western lifestyle compared to her lifestyle in Iran. I asked Brazilian students why there seems to be two Brazils – a black poor one and a rich white one. Especially after a student with African roots did not want the other Brazilians to know he was also from Brazil. I asked Mexicans what it was like to live through the bank crash of 1995. I asked Koreans about the last year of high school that creates the Korean brain factory. I learned why it appears both Japanese and Germans are obsessed with time but for very different reasons. I learned why Chileans are very security minded after living through years of dictatorship. And this is a mere smidgeon of the experience.

I have met and taught and learned from people as diverse as a VP of a joint venture mining company between the governments of Russia and Mongolia and a banking executive who championed a new corporate governance law in Mexico. No easy feat when people have pictures of their children mailed to them. I have seen first hand a young Japanese woman question everything her culture has taught her she should be. I have seen an Iranian woman, out of family love and honour, make one of the hardest decisions she could make.

What I have found is there is indeed a fundamental human nature that we all possess regardless of position or place. The need to know what our lives are. We are searching for meaning. So many times I heard from students, “This is the first time I have had a chance to slow my life down and think about it.” For most it has been a great process and for some a difficult one. I am honoured that they have shared a little of their journey with me.

I think both Mother Nature and Human Nature came together for me this year in two places. The first is don Miguel Ruiz and the second is my sister Judith.

I discovered a book called, THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. The book is rooted in the toltec native spirituality of Mexico. The toltecs knew that they could not separate themselves from nature. They believed they were a part of a world coming to know itself. We are the great dreaming. The simplicity of wisdom is easy to see in the agreements.

(from the cover)

“Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

For me the middle two were the first I had to work on and I am getting pretty good at them. Though far from perfect. The first one and last one are the challenges I next face. The four are each so easy to write and say but so hard to live. The book has helped me see the connections between myself and the world. I am beginning to learn my role in all that as well.

My sister has been a big reminder of how fragile human nature can be. On Tuesday, December 20th she was rushed to hospital emergency with the same stoke-like symptoms she had 18 months ago. Though as with that occurrence she will make a full physical recovery it is very difficult on her physical body and even more so on her emotional body.

This becomes a great source of pain as she has reached many of the goals that were before her that I mentioned last year. 2005 has been a remarkable year for her. But her body reminds us that it is all very fragile yet requiring great strength.

I have found these last few years that whenever there is a nice piece of theory that life wishes to teach me it has a tendency to reinforce it with a nice up close and personal experience. The fragility of the planet witnessed on CNN comes home when a loved one is threatened with illness.

Now mother nature does not have to do that but alas she was never meant to be kind. That is something we humans are trying to force upon her. But the lesson she is trying to teach us is that we are all connected and share a common human experience. At the core of that human experience is the reality that we are physical beings that must acknowledge that without respect for our planet and our physical selves we cannot have any spiritual connections.

May the holidays find you living in peace with your world and those in it. Merry Christmas.

Love,

Joshua

(December 24, 2005)

Posts of Christmas Past

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas99.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2000.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2001.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2002.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2003.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2004.html

Hung Up On, Art Shows, Dogs House (SM)

2005-11-09T22:14:00.000-05:00

Hung Up On…

Hung up on Madonna is what the world will be for the next little spell. Yes the dance floors of the world are about to fall prey to major Madge magic. She's created the perfect dance song.

The single is the perfect dance song.

I was listening to it with a fellow writer friend and he mentioned something interesting I had not noticed. The way the song starts off is identical to the experience of walking into a dance club. As I listened I heard it. When you are outside the club all you hear is the bass. Then as you enter it is bass and some midrange noises and as you get close you hear more and then when you walk into the room you get this rush of music. Damn clever producing I say.

That rush immediately carried me off somewhere at every circuit event these bones have gyrated at for many an hour. Interesting structure also because regardless of what type of music you like that would be a shared experience entering any club.

This song is so happy it makes you move. There will be stampedes to the dance floors ladies. Saddle up! I think even a bad dancer will be able to fake a move or two to this sucker. It gets in your blood and starts giggling and grooving.

I’ve heard one remix, Tracy Young’s. Can we say techno/trance! YAY! But it got lots of percussion and all the vocals to keep the house queens happy. Whereas the single gives you happy boogie woogie shoes Young’s version says, “Ummmm excuse me, your ass on the dance floor now!” It is a great first remix with very broad appeal. If this was the single we would still be very impressed.

Fuck! I sound like a fag gushing over Madonna!! Someone shoot me. Please.

Art Shows…

Art shows us we are the highest evolved species on the planet. Everything else we do in life is part of a structure that is aimed at keeping ourselves alive and propagating our species. Its all systems with one aim – stay alive. And every other living creature on the planet is doing the same thing. Only the structures and systems maybe at various stages of complexity. We humans think we are the most complex things on the planet. But any scientist would agree there are a lot more things outside us we do not understand then there are inside us. So that makes us less complex if we employ a little sloppy logic.

But it is in art where we step outside every other species. We think it is our ability to know or our (self)consciousness that defines us as human but I think it is our ability to produce art that shows us we are human. Highbrow or lowbrow is irrelevant. From the most salacious joke to the piercing aria all is art. Interesting that some of our most abundant forms of art come from a need to entertain ourselves. But it is creativity that says this species is different than the rest.

Dogs House…

Dogs house a curiosity for me from which I feel I may finally have found a cure. See I’ve thought about getting a dog. A Weimaraner I was thinking. They are suppose to be standoffish and moody. But then I was thinking of having to pick up its poop. But then a dog owner told me that once you get attached to the beast you’d take a bullet for it. But then I was thinking that I would have to make arrangements anytime I wanted to do anything outside its schedule. Then I was thinking it would be like having a two year old that never grows up and leaves home. But then I was thinking that I could overcome all those drawbacks and get myself a dog until I finally thought!! We eat animals we don’t live with them.

The Real Batman Has Finally Shown Up

2005-06-15T23:25:00.000-05:00

I've been waiting since 1989 for this movie. All four movies are now null and void. Sure Burton has got style and has one of the best imaginations in la la land. Now for the BUT. He works strongest on his own material. He should have said NO to Batman. If Batman Begins came first followed by Burton’s (good but not great) Batman no debates would be happening. Batman Begins is brilliant from open to close. It is the best comic book movie to date.

I have collected Batman comics and Batman Begins is a collectors movie with enough smarts and style to make the average Joe and Jane enjoy it. But this is the Batman movie we have been waiting for.

Keaton had fake hair and what was that attempt at a scowl when it looked more like Ben Stiller’s pouting pursed mouth in the barely viewable Zoolander. (Though on MJ it is kinda sorta funny.) Val was too pretty. Clooney? Nuff said. But we have to really blame Mr Schumacher for all that.

Though this movie is filled with A-List stars they are not superstars. They are actors playing characters; you believe they are who they are playing. I will not waste any of my life recounting the parade of superstars from Jack to Ahhnuld who were one after another a big distraction from the main character. In all other Batman movies Bruce Wayne/Batman was a supporting character to these superstars chewing the comic scenery. The strength of this movie is it is a Bruce Wayne/Batman movie and the villains are second. That is what we fans wanted all along.

All the actors are superb. And hey its Morgan Freeman. The man finds the right note and plays a small support with the perfect pitch of humour. (With a U, I'm Canadian.) It was nice to see Gary Oldman in a movie where his teeth marks are not over all the sets. He was a man trying to hang on to his idealism in a world where none was to be found. Michael Caine captured the dry wit of Alfred that is in the books. He is the man who roots Bruce in reality with love, devotion, and a kick-ass sarcasm. Cillain is creepily wonderful. Neeson is a splendid mentor/villain.

I will let the filmmakers away with not doing the Batman's eyes the way they are in the comic books. At least they pulled the mask in close to the eyes so the silly black makeup around the eyes is not as much of a sore thumb as previously. (Where does he find the time to put that on and take it off?)

Though none of the things in this movie could happen for real they place enough of it in respectable fuzzy science for us to suspend our disbelief. Not once could I do that in the other films.

Bob Kane did not create Batman to be “cartoony”. He is suppose to scare the bejeebus out of you. And in this movie he does. I was concerned that the scarecrow would be a weak villain but the hallucinogen angle allowed for effects that are driving the story and not a gimmick. It gave Batman Begins a nightmare quality. This movie is for adults. Leave the kiddies home.

Nolan’s direction was well done. Let's face it, M. Night made a brilliant movie with The Sixth Sense, Nolan made a brilliant Memento. I think it is impossibly naive to constantly judge new work by what happened in the past. There will not be another The Sixth Sense nor another Memento. But Batman Begins judged as a self-contained entity works on many levels. I really cared about THIS Batman.

The reason Batman works is because unlike all the other Superheroes he has no super powers. He is a man. And deep down we all feel that with the right training, motivation, and bank account we could become that man. He is a human being doing super human things. This movie works because we meet the human being and empathise with him. Batman does not show up until the second act. But we are happy to be watching Bruce Wayne slowly become him.

Brilliant, bloody brilliant!

5 Bats out of 5.

"Al-Gayda" she said!

2005-03-10T23:54:00.000-05:00

Margaret Cho - The Assassin Tour

From the top I have to say, though I was not disappointed, I found the Assassin not as funny as "I'm The One That I want"

ITOTIW has a stronger emotional and personal core. The comedy springs forth from being able to laugh at her own life tragedies. It is the pathos that gave ITOTIW an innate knowledge and intelligence about its subject matter that made the delivery seem as if it came from her core.

The only core to this show is being pissed off. See you hear people saying that many Americans are Bush haters. I think they are just pissed-off.

I think they would not care if he was still governor. They are just ticked-off with him and the rest of the Americans who voted for him. Other than that they would probably say he is a good ole boy. See that is what the state of Texas is for - a way to keep most of the wingnuts in one place. They just want the biggest wingnut out of Washington and back on the ranch out of harms way. History will not be kind to W. And, I have a strong feeling his post presidential life will be froth with difficulties.

This makes for great comedy/drama and can be milked for some genuine laughter and Margaret Cho did have some brilliant moments. But not a complete set of them because the material does not have an emotional personal core. Being pissed-off at a lunatic with no personality understandably has no emotional core.

Stemming from the pissed-off-ness was some great Bush bashing and rich gay political humour. At times biting and at times vulgar and always funny. Yet it did not have a depth of brains but variations on themes already out in the foray. Don’t get me wrong it was very smart in places and “I have a dick tooth.” was very clever. She pulled in many pop cultural references. In the cat stevens bit she sings “I’m being followed by an air marshall, air marshall.” I would bet few under 30 recognized the tune of “Moon Shadow”. Most over 30 caught it and appreciated it. And she was pretty vicious to Hollywood starlets and bjork. Her face was uncanny singing bjork.

Though I appreciated the big screen to get a close-up look at all the facial expressions my seat was close enough that I could get all that without the screen. At times I found myself looking more at the screen or at the least it was distracting me. Though I am sure the balcony greatly appreciated it.

One thing I did notice is this show contains a lot more self-referential queer or lesbian remarks. I have not seen Notorious C.H.O. or CHO Revolution so I don't know if this is new or a progression. But she did seem more “OUT” here than in ITOTIW. There was many a splattering of angry queer politics in there. AL-GAYDA I LOVE IT!!

Maybe the more I let the show run through my head I am convincing myself I liked it a lot more than I said. There were many funny moments and a few brilliant one-liners. But yet that core problem is still pestering me. I think ITOTIW had a passion that could only come from that material. It was her at her most vulnerable and raw yet hungry and wickedly funny at the same time. Most other things after that, by comparison can only sound like comedic monologue.

Oh I did indeed laugh and the boy who was sitting next to me was howling so much his cheeks hurt. And she even included some CanCon. Does that mean she can get an award from some Canadian arts thingy? I’d love to see the dress she wears.

Chicken Style Black Forest

2005-02-25T21:33:00.000-05:00

SO it seems I found myself in the kitchen after smoking a little pot (quelle surprise!) and opened the fridge to see what gluttonous treasures lay within. Now I got (oh wait this an SM for those keeping count.) a sweet deal here. Ray is a nester and we are never for want in the house. Da boy keep a well stocked pantry ladies. All I do is I write him a check each month. And he isn’t a bad roomie. We have a unique companionship.

This may at first look like the utopian ideal I describe but alas there is a weak link. I don’t always like the choices or quantity/quality of things he may buy. I opened the deli tray and saw something that looked like chicken or maybe ham. I’m stoned who cares. I roll up a slice and my brain lays in anticipation to see what my taste buds tell: Is it chicken or is it ham? Then came the screwed up face.

What the fuck is chicken style black forest people? See it is even hard to say. That should portend or at least foreshadow the doom that lay ahead. OH and if that doesn’t say whoa Nelly then the next line says 18% meat protein. And all in the same font. AND not even dropped down a point or to the next line.

Chicken Style
Black Forest
18% Meat Protein

Is this flesh before me the sour and sweat spawned offspring of some bizarre mad scientist lab copulation between species experiment gone awry? You know how mixed babies are usually quite attractive as some aesthetics gene kicks in and takes over the selection process and only the unique genes commingle. (Aside: When I first saw Alex I thought he was mixed. Then I found out he was just unusually quite beautiful.) Where were we? Oh yeah the mad chicken ham beast. It did not get the best of the chicken and pig. Salty as hell - I got borderline hypertension.

I think they know how bad it tastes and add the salt thinking it will magically make it palatable. Yeah sure. Do you think they actually get a big bunch of chicken and ham and grind and mush them together and then shape it to a loaf? Gross.

Furthermore and maybe paramount where is any sense of decency? Man we raise the damned chickens and pigs in captivity and kill the damned chickens and pigs to eat the asses can’t we at least give it a little dignity in death and let it be its own food product. Hell I don’t mind. If I really want those two flavours together I’ll stack them.

Where’s PETA when you need them.

Joshua Kreig’s Sixth Annual Christmas Message

2004-12-24T22:19:00.000-05:00

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2004.html

Posts of christmas past!

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas99.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2000.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2001.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2002.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2003.html

I HATE EXERCISE (SM)

2004-12-15T22:03:00.000-05:00

I hate exercise. Typing this is almost exercise. On some deep central core of my being I realise that exercise and eating well are irrelevant.

Am I saying that it is okay to eat any bloody way you want and not get any exercise? That is up to the freedom of each individual and how they measure or value quality of life. You see I know that on the grand time of history of life on this planet so far thing my span of 50 or 90 years of age is infinitesimally irrelevant in the big old timeline. I am fodder for movement forward. See now this would be called nihilism or fatalism but I call it the ultimate revelation. It is totally liberating. You learn that your instances in history are but a moment so all we have is this moment. Why not live it the way your soul feels it must. And then if your soul at some point starts you exercising then you will listen to it for you will know its reason. It wants to experience something different. Not because you are trying to prolong your stay on the big planet and equating quantity with quality. And we have bought into this weird way of valuing life based on a Barbie and Ken living in a Barbie and Ken World. You know a few heavy dashes of some of those seven deadly sins ain’t such a bad thing. BUT still it is all but a mere moment. You know if I knew I was going to die within a year I know I would first go all kubler-ross on your ass but I think the acceptance would come on knowing that so far my life has been a one tonne mother fucker of a roller coaster adventure screeching the tolerance on the track as it break necks through its turns. My moment has been full so far. See even in the darkest caverns where beasts did prowl to ecstasy blazing across blue and golden summer skies I always knew I was alive or not wanting to be alive which is the greatest consciousness of your life when you feel you want to no longer even have a moment more on this earth and then that is mixed with moments of feeling the pulse of the universe in my chest. And that awed me. It whispered in my ear and said – “be free.” I said thank you and have started but I am having a bit of trouble embracing what freedom means in this way. All the old ways are deeply entrenched but I think I am really close, really really close.

Or you know maybe I just need to talk about my negative associations from my childhood with sport and exercising and how they maybe affected my negative behaviour associations with exercise as an adult. Hmmmm, physician heal thyself on that one me thinks.

Or maybe I just need to realise if I am going to smoke pot so much there is a price tag to pay. SO you better keep your ass at the gym and work off that tub of ice cream you ate last night sista! Musssh! Crack that whip, BIATCH!!

And the good thing is I have discovered from last night and tonight if I sit down here at my keyboard and started interacting with people that would spark some writing on what ever we were talking about and that would lead to something totally different and on and on and the next thing I know I find my munchies have subsided and all my energies went into being creative which is what this exercise has been all about to begin with now hasn’t it. Have you noticed I have been pulling of some really long ass sentences that roll on and on but are grammatically correct and you even begin to flow with the sentence because it is like a representation of my thought process as I sit here right now typing this word to you.

Look behind you!

BOOOOOOO!

SEE!! Something for everyone!

"Give me a kiss to build a dream on and my imagination will ..." (NSM->SM)

2004-12-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

People ask me all the time questions like, "Do you miss Singapore?" "Would you go back?" or "Would you go visit?" I don't miss Singapore. But, I would definitely make sure it is a place to stop on my way somewhere else as I have two beautiful friends there. Will an innocent sweet soul and Wai Ming a beautiful person in every sense of the word on the inside and out. Whenever I talk about Wai Ming I get this profound rush of blood in my heart as if some cosmic force is making our hearts beat as one for a moment. When that moment is over people usually begin to feel loss or longing. But for me after that momentary cosmic connection where our souls share a memory of each other at the same time and we are floating in the neo-sphere of ideas that causes us to remember to me that is an amazing idea.

What is an idea but energy bursts escaping off into a cosmic field of energy. What if two people sending out cosmic energies and those energies started to collide sharing the common experience again? That would account for people saying they were just thinking about the other person as they bumped into them or received a phone call. We say, “Hey I was just thinking about you a little while ago and there you are.” See that may sound all far out and like what is he smoking man and where can I get some but I do see that this collide of shared memory is responsible for me seeing the beautiful lean body of Wai Ming on the deck of BV Swimming Pool reading a book. He looked so smart and yet so bloody cute, sexy, and handsome at the same time. Like Hugh Grant. Is he boyish or is he handsome? See it depends on how you dress him up. Wai Ming is like that. Sometimes when he is serious he looks handsome and mature. But sometimes he can laugh and be like a boy or when you are with him on the subway in Singapore and as you exit the subway you kiss him goodbye and exit the car and turn around and smile. Gotcha you thought and you looked at his face and there was a sweet boy caught being part of a devilish prank. And then there is his voice. He has the most gorgeous dulcet tones. And that is where the other Hugh Grant characteristic comes in. He has the same word cadence. I have said it to him that I think he is a Chinese Hugh Grant. I did not sleep with Wai Ming enough when I was in Singapore. That was Singapore’s fault not mine. It is bigger than me. But I am thankful for that moment of memory to rekindle moments of passion.

Then those rekindled moments of passion are the fuel for the belief that in an alternate universe on a planet with similar timelines to this one Wai Ming and I are an old married couple who retired and have been writing books for a living. As well as Wai Ming's continued work with children. That is another thing about Wai Ming I think is cool. He works with special needs people. There are some very serious handicaps he deals with. I worked at a Jean Vanier L'Arche community for six weeks one summer and man it tested me greatly. Some I passed some I failed. But whenever he writes about it the words are filled with such compassion and they sound so genuine. You can see the pain and the hope. Wai Ming always writes about hope. Even through pain or especially through pain. I on the other hand write out of darkness and that darkness has a completely different kind of pain but yet at the very end there is hope still. But yeah his vocation is humbling. And part of me feels I got a bit of the essence of what it feels like to be married to him in that brief moment of connectedness we had through the cosmic collide of memory. Wow that was weird. ahhhhh Wai Ming.

Things I've Said I Would Like To Be Quoted As Saying (SM & NSM)

2004-11-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

"A stereotype is not a bad place to start, but a terrible place to get stuck."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Rules of fair play work when all the players agree to them. When one participant is in disagreement with the rules, the one in favour of them has to choose which rules he is willing to break in order to keep his life."
---Joshua Kreig---

"I am not sure I could ever give a poetry reading for I feel that when going to a poetry reading I am going to see someone I am not attracted to masturbate."
---Joshua Kreig---

"You can choose to create or complain."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Anger is the face the heart puts on so you won't see it crying."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Ideals are the rose coloured glasses of youth and ignorance."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Compromise your integrity only when you know you can live without it."
---Joshua Kreig---

"You are the only painter of your picture."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Hope thinks forward; sorrow thinks backwards."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Following your passion is a single ticket ride."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Ignorant is the bullet in a loaded gun aimed to kill. Ignorance is the hand holding it. Stubbornness is the finger cocking the hammer to fall. Arrogance is the finger that pulls the trigger. Innocent fall."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Truth Is Transient"
---Joshua Kreig---

"Love and happiness are not goals. They are the by-products of goals."
---Joshua Kreig---

"Everything dies - eventually."
---Joshua Kreig---

If ya want to discuss the meaning or relevance or what the hell I was thinking let me know. Hmmm I hope I was the first person say all those things in this way or maybe I am just too stoned to know the difference.

Gay Marriage - The Last Word Damnit! (SM & NSM)

2004-10-31T21:01:00.000-05:00

Chatting with a wonderfully romantic idealist young friend the other day and he asked me if I would ever want to get married. He was looking for a touchy feely emotional answer to spew from me pertaining to my quest for “the one” – the soul mate. Strike the choir. I instead asked him what he meant by “married”. Yes, fingers held up into the quotation mark gesture. After his Pollyanna description of, “You and someone else in a committed relationship with 2.5 kids and a picket fence and health insurance coverage, etc, etc, etc.” (Take note: It is the wistful sighing on the “etc, etc, etc,” that will warn you that you are talking to a romantic idealist.) I decided no emotional diarrhoea from this puppy. I chose to have “THE DEBATE”. I have been avoiding said debate as if it was a flesh eating disease. It just bored the hell out of me. Not so much that it is lacking passion, as there is plenty of that, but because people are just not getting it. People are motivated by a root cause to this problem but no one knows what that motivation is or it if they do, it is too scary a conversation to have. It would make the foundations of lives start to tremble. Ideals could fall!

My answer is I do not feel a need to be married by society. Further, redefining the marriage term for those who do want to be in relationships recognised by society is not the answer. We need to define who we are. Let the people who procreate have the word marriage. It has plenty of baggage attached and let them have that five piece set. Gay people need to get a term for other unions and relationships. Then the country has to recognise these other unions as another type of relationship in the same category as marriage. Right now under the big umbrella of relationships for couples is the marriage umbrella. Then all other relationships come under that umbrella. We need to now recognise that the big umbrella must be equal rights and freedom and under that is a sub category called relationships and both marriage and gay unions will be on equal platform under that umbrella. See? Simple.

The marriage group is upset because it thinks the gay union group wants to be treated the same as they are. It is impossible to treat each group the same. But we cannot confuse “same” with “equal” or equal with same as ideological concepts. Same means behaviourally acting in the alike. Whereas equal as a concept is about the treatment and rewarding of all. The gay union people do not want to be the same as the married group. (And really why would they? And secondly it is impossible for gay unions and marriage to be the same. Humour me I am getting there.) Gay unions simply want to be seen as equal.

But why do married people argue so much over it? I am about to give heterosexuals their strongest possible argument. It is all about who feels they are contributing more to society. And this is something the gay union group has to accept as reality. Why? By today’s definitions the married group believes they contribute the greatest good to society. On one level they do. They procreate. Yes they continue the natural order of birth-life-death-birth-life-death that is the sustaining force of all life on this planet. Those that procreate believe they should get the most of the nutrients to keep growing and get the most rewards for doing so. Anything outside that natural norm is the exception to the rule and should be treated as so. How does nature usually deal with those exceptions to the rule? Does nature ignore it or leave it be? The plant that cannot procreate simply dies; it simply exists while it is alive. Or do even the procreating plants block out a lot of the sun to the non-procreating plants?

Ah but we humans with our higher consciousness, the mind that knows it is a mind! We decided at some point that not only was the non-procreator not an exception to the rule but should be nurtured EQUALLY like the procreators. There are many people in society other than homosexuals who do not procreate who are nurtured and often given preferential treatment. Homosexuality is different - different but equal. But still gay people have to recognise they are an exception to the rule of the natural order of life. Those that procreate whether human or other mammals/animals do create homosexual offspring so it is not so much that homosexuality is outside the natural order it is a minority expression within the natural order.

The natural order of life is a neutral concept. It has gained a lot of flack and mudslinging. But part of the ownership of the idea is the defence of the idea itself. But I think gay people know that. I think it is the procreating people who want or need to hear the gay people say they know they are not directly contributing to the continuation of life on this planet at its basic foundation. Maybe that is it! What if we get all gay unions to have as part of their ceremony a sentence something to the tune of “And we acknowledge we do not directly contribute to the continuation of life on this planet at its basic foundation but do believe we contribute in….”

Because today’s “traditional married couple” are the torchbearers of procreation they believe that they are making the highest contribution to society. Procreation makes them more important and better and they should be treated as if they are more important and better than those who do not carry that torch. We have some hurdles to clear before we can get to the neat idea of placing married and gay unions as equal categories in a category called life. They are just two ways people can contribute to life; equal ways! Before we get there we have to dismantle the ideological hierarchy that history has created that made us think procreating was the highest contribution to life. Switch that ideology around to thinking that “nurturing life” is a more powerful instrument in the continuation of our species than the instruments of procreation.

There is precedent. There are many societies, our own included, where there was/is such a profound connection between the seen and unseen world; the worlds of the physical and the beyond the physical where nurturing is as valued as biological nature. Most cultures believe the big reward is in the after this life, in the unseen. In the past and still in some cultures the highest contribution to life was to become a monk or priest: a man of “God”. They were spiritual guides and bridge keepers between the physical and the metaphysical. These keepers of the gate were considered the greatest gift. They did not procreate. Their job was to keep the path to the gate/bridge open for us all. They were rewarded by having their way of life seen as the highest calling from life itself. But western society moved into the direction where they who give birth to babies are at the top of the food chain. They get the juiciest morsels and all else are at the lower end to get the drippings. (Though in present day, a strong argument could be made that the highest calling of life is to have fame, fortune, and power. And those who create and maintain such are at the top of the food chain.)

Only when we have accepted the paradigm shift of what is our highest ideal will we be able to think of loving gay unions and the marriage of loving procreators as equal but separate categories of freedom of life on this planet. For if we feel that only marriage linked to procreation is the truest form of relationship and continuation of life then we have to remove heterosexual couples who choose not to have or are unable to have children from the category called marriage. People who choose to be single or cannot be married for various social or health reasons are doubly screwed on the food chain.

In the future this may all be irrelevant as reproductive technologies are creating the brave new world. When fertilisation can happen outside the womb we are a short period away from external gestation. In a recent conversation with a scientist friend she was saying the technology is already there but it has been deemed illegal. Part of that illegality is the procreators feeling their place on the ideological food chain is becoming threatened. Appealing to a natural order deemed by a god is a good cover for threatened egos. Soon the chicken will not be required to get the egg or is it that the egg will not be required to get the chicken. The biological interaction of penis and vagina, vagina and vagina, and penis and penis is distracting us from what is really important. In the final analysis the argument has to be about nurture and not nature. Nature is just the what. Nurture is the how. And in the end it is our ability to nurture that will continue life on this planet.

Big Boom Whom Soon Sum? (SM)

2004-10-23T22:59:00.000-05:00

When I went to see “I-Robot” I was on the computer’s side. Damn that Will Smith cybernetic arm. With the sloppy state of the world today I do not have faith in humanities ability to save a goldfish. I suppose I should actually say “man” and not humanity for it is the male side of humanity that has created this mess. Maybe the female side can clean it up. But I have a fear that the snowball is rolling down the hill so fast collecting so much crap that when it hits the bottom it is going to be a gargantuan and messy ka-boom!! Even attempting to get it back up the hill would be Sisyphean. Where did it start to go wrong?

Man is the only animal that kills outside its own food chain. Man is the only animal that kills for sport. Man is the only animal that kills for shoes. Man is the only animal that can create things with high levels of sophistication. Therein is the problem. The moment we learned how to make tools we began the process of throwing the natural order out of sync. That is the moment we started killing across many food chains and for more than just food – the beautiful shoes.

Think about it. Before all the above happened all the critters fed off each other and all the systems were even cross-integrated. Simple - think about when all the animals (and prehistoric man included) pissed and shit wherever they found themselves they provided the fertiliser for all the plants and animals etc etc and the cycle of life continued. But no more for we are responsible for the destruction of this planet and right now we are in the poisoning stage of that destruction. Has all our self-realisation been worth the price?

Then I find myself trying to see the big picture, you know the whole solar system, galaxy, universe, time thing. Maybe man is really just another cog in a “deus ex machina” much greater than our creative powers can comprehend?

Maybe earth is just one big magnetic battery feeding power to the universe (and vice versa) like all the other planets. Maybe all the combustible gasses we are giving off are causing the earth to become a more powerful battery and we are starting to see the energy spike. This spike may last a while longer. But like all batteries it will start to die out. Are human’s a part of the internal fuel for the earth battery? When we finally consume ourselves we will have a final energy burst and destroy all around us. This is maybe the same thing that is happening with all the stars, planetary batteries burning out. Now pull back as far as your mind can get you and think of this big glowing ball all glimmering throughout with cascades of light flowing through it as energy expands and collapses. Maybe each one of those flashes is how some being holding that ball measures a second.

Now if that is not reason enough to go, “What the fuck are you on man?” Maybe realising that the earth explodes in this little grandiose theory is a more immediate concern for sadness. Is there a way to slow down our battery burnout? Is returning to our historical ways that were a bit more renewable energy systems oriented the only solution or even possible. Do we care? The lack of motivation for acting responsibly with the planet is due in part to the reality we cannot see past our noses. Our singular lives will most likely be but a grain of sand in the immortal (or not) hourglass. Because acting responsibly now does not impact us directly but future generations we can turn a blind eye to it and let someone else worry about it. Or maybe we think it is just the natural order of things and it will all take care of itself. Regardless we do not see any imminent danger connected to our present and supposedly inconsequential actions.

But hey there is no need to fret now. Think of what might happen when earth explodes and throws off the gravitational pulls of all the planets. If our ka-boom does not cause a cascading of ka-booms the planets will realign in relationship to the sun. That will then cause a shift in climates across all the planets and on one of those new climates a single cell divides and a new battery begins to be built into a power cell and the process of energy transference continues.

Why 40 year olds cannot date 20 year olds. (NSM)

2004-10-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

When I was 20 I had to be getting somewhere. To say my life was going nowhere was anathema. So all my energies were put on getting somewhere. That is the essence of our 20's. Dealing with uncertainties. Trying to figure it out.

When I was 30 I had to figure out if where I was, was where I wanted to be. There was the ever present, “Am I doing what I really want to do with my life?” To say my life was not going the way I planned or hoped was anathema. That is the essence of our 30s. Dealing with certainties. Trying to figure out if they are the ones we want.

Now I am 40. I have realised that there is nowhere to go. There is no other real destination for humans other than death. This is not a negative thing but a very liberating thing. The challenge for me now is to find creative and interesting things that I can be excited about between now and then. Then can happen at any moment. So the moments in-between have to have personal meaning. Is that the essence of our 40's? Dealing with the unknown and not letting it mind-fuck us? Trying to cultivate magic moments? I’ll answer that question 10 years from now.

Sadly (and I am sure this may be a universal truth) I did not see that much of the magic of my teens, 20's, and 30's. Upon reflection I can see the magic and take joy in a life well lived but I can imagine how much more exciting it would have been if I new I was experiencing magic at all those times.

Here is a brief synopsis of my adult life.

Formal Education

Bachelor of Arts (English), University of Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Graduate Studies Diploma (Theology), Toronto School of Theology, University of Toronto

Seminary Training Program, Resurrection College, Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Tarragon Studio acting workshops.

Summer Institute of Film and Television, Directors workshop.

Nutrition and Wellness Specialist, Canadian Association of Fitness Professionals

Personal Trainer Specialist, Canadian Association of Fitness Professionals

Standard First Aid and CPR, St. John Ambulance, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Former certified member of the Coaching Association of Canada

Experience

In my late teens and early twenties I was an overachiever. This probably has everything to do with wanting to be accepted and to fit in. I wanted the world to tell me what a nice boy I was. I became active in Boy Scouts of Canada, Church Youth Groups, Parish Councils, and Knights of Columbus. I even called bingo numbers. It was during this period that I had the opportunity to meet and have a short chat with the then Princess of Wales, Diana. Charles has a wicked handshake.

In 1984 I was placed on the Canadian Guest Speakers List for International Youth Year. Supposedly someone believed I had an insight into youth issues. Yes I did burn out at one point.

In 1986 I was asked to take part in a community service and development pilot project sponsored by the Jesuits. The project involved a member of the religious community and a person with some youth experience to live and work in a welfare housing project. This was a very challenging year. And though I left the project after a year I kept working in the community in another capacity for three more years.

From 1987 - 89 I worked for a community centre as a program coordinator and a sports coach. Other than having a lot of good intentions I did not know a lot. This is when I decided to get some serious coaching training with the Coaching Association of Canada and received a full Level One Certification and completed the theory portion of the Level Two Certification.

During this time I took several undergraduate courses in psychology to gain some insight into what makes people tick.

In 1989 a friend suggested I go on a program called S.E.R.V.E. (Summer Endeavour in a Redemptorist Volunteer Experience). For six weeks I lived in a Christian Community and was a volunteer at L'Arche a community for people with developmental disabilities. L'Arche was a very humbling experience. I am a person who enjoys feedback and when working with someone with a disability you get no traditional feedback. You have to trust. I have a brother with Tourrett's and so working at L'Arche touched off other issues.

After completing the S.E.R.V.E. program I was pumped about the Redemptorist Religious Community and the Youth Ministry work they did. I had thought of a religious vocation many times previously and decided while the metal was hot I should strike.

It was at Resurrection College where I received the bulk of my training in community dynamics. Besides completing an English Degree I took nine Philosophy Courses that were prerequisites for the Graduate Theology program. These courses ranged from introductory courses to philosophy of human nature, existence of God to Ethical Theory. Surprisingly I did not fall asleep in class but found it fascinating.

Also at Resurrection College I was introduced to one of the most insightful tools of personality typing the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. This is a typing tool that has a few variations and I use it to help clients gain insight into how they process the world.

One of the most beneficial components of the Resurrection College program was that seeing a counsellor/spiritual director was mandatory. I like to think of it as four years of therapy. And I survived. Not only were we taught how to minister to people's needs but ours were ministered to as well. One of the reasons I have such respect for the power of life coaches and mentors is I have had a few amazing ones.

My four years in community services and recreation followed by my four years in Religious Life was a win/win situation. Though I decided to move on to something else it was one of the most formative periods of my life. I like to think of it as having a no limit credit card in the philosophy, community, spirituality, and psychology home depot of personal development.

After completing grad school I made a departure from the world of community and religious dynamics. In case you are wondering today I consider myself a secular humanist with a Taoist bent.

When I left religious life I was lost. I was broke. I had no circle of friends in a new city. I tried to tap into some of the other things I wanted to be when I grew up. I realised that as a child I loved TV and movies. I had always thought I wanted to be an actor - off to acting class. I did a TV commercial for Trivial Pursuit, had the lead in a music video, and a theatre gig. It was during the theatre gig that I got to do some directing and caught that bug. But I was still broke.

The next stage of my life placed me in the business world. Because I believed I was on touchy feely overload and acting was not paying the bills I felt it was time to do something less that. I worked in a coffee shop for three years and ended up becoming a graveyard shift manager. From there I entered the world of advertising for a large agency in Toronto working as an account executive on a few very high profile pieces of business.

I was amazed at how all the personality, community, and group dynamics training in my past gave me insights into managing the business world. Quickly though I realised that my calling in life was not advertising. I found consumerism to be a vacuous pursuit.

In 1998 a friend asked me to help him start a magazine and seeing as the writer in me was dying to get back into action I leapt at the opportunity. For the next year and a half we published a magazine called DRAGÜN in Toronto. As the Editor and Senior Writer for the magazine I was able to hone all the skills from my English degree. If you ever want to learn to write well or write better may I suggest you take a job as an editor. You will learn to look at the technique and craft of writing as well as the creativity and then be able to get enough emotional distance from your own work to know when you've written crap. Being an editor has helped me be a better writer.

In 1999 during a moment of angst and finding advertising to be soulless I did some soul searching. I decided to explore the directing curiosity and took a summer course. Over the next year film school was not an option so I decided I would write, produce, and direct a short. In true Woody Allen fashion I also gave myself a role. The project was successfully executed from a technical standpoint but the story and acting were weak.

In 2000 a friend in Singapore was starting an Internet company and it was at the peak of the boom. Content was supposedly everything. He had seen my work on DRAGÜN and asked if I would like to move to the other side of the planet and help an Internet start-up. I said yes. Within three months of my arrival in Singapore the Internet bubble burst. We were all let go. If you want to see how strong your coping skills are I suggest you find yourself in a foreign country without a job, no place to stay, and a work visa that has just been revoked.

Well I am still alive but my coping skills were tested to their limits and at times I thought past breaking point. I stayed in Asia for about 11 months and travelled a bit. Bangkok - the city where you can be on your knees in the daytime for one reason and at night for a completely different one. Dancing on the beach at an all night party in Singapore. Lounging without a care in Phuket, Thailand. Thinking the building next to the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia was nicer looking. Sydney, Australia Mardi Gras, you know a parade at night is really cool. The world is a big fascinating place but more similar than I thought different.

When I returned to Canada I met up with my sister one day and noticed that in the year I was away she put on a lot of weight. She tells the story that my enquiry into what happened was not the most sensitive or diplomatic. Being aware of my history in recreation and an avid exerciser she asked my advice in developing a program to help her get back into shape. One day during an instruction session she suggested that I should think about doing this full-time. Bells went off, lights came on, and a few certifications later I arrive at the end of this sentence.

As I began to further educate myself I realised that working as a life coach and a health and fitness consultant was the perfect way of bringing all my education and experience to one single focus.

Today I teach ESL at a language centre, I am a health and fitness consultant, and I am writing again with two pieces published this year.

Now here I am!

If anyone told me this story I would say, “WOW!” But for so many years I could not see the WOW!

The magic of my life seemed to be outside my vision and understanding. (Except my time at UofW. I glimpsed that magic a few times and knew it.) I suppose this would be a good place to mention that I have suffered from Bipolar Mood Disorder since my early 20s but did not get it diagnosed and begin treating it until I was 37. Not sure how much that kept the magic hidden and will not waste time figuring it out.

I have also had a lot of magic in my love life. I have had some amazing relationships full of much joy. I have fallen in love. I have had my heart broken and I have broken hearts. And I would not trade any of those experiences. And I have been known to have great sex.

Well if you haven’t figured out what all this has to do with, “Why 20 year olds cannot date 40 year olds.” Let me connect the dots. LIFE!

I don’t think I have life figured out but I have lived some life. And more importantly I have stopped trying to chase that meaning. Now I am just trying to find things that give my life personal meaning.

I would never have been able to say that in my 20's and 30's and there are only a very small minority of people in their 20's and 30's who can understand that. I am not sure if I have met any of them and there is a part of me that thinks they do not exist. The focus of 20's and 30's is very different than 40's. I am sure the focus of my 50's and 60's (knock wood) will be very different than they are now.

SO there be the problem boys and girls. When a 20 year old finds an interesting 40 year old they will never be able to know the journey of 20 years until they experience it. They are both seeing life from such different places. This is not a judgement just a reality. A 40 year old will never be able to regain that youthful idealism and lust for life possessed by a 20 year old. A 20 year old will never have the perspective and experience of a 40 year old. That just is. A 20 year old will always want to know where is it going, what is it becoming, will it last? A 40 year old will always want to have the magic of the moment. The 20 year old is searching for permanence. The 40 year old will know there is only impermanence. I was dating a guy around 20 and this was the reality. He once said I was cold and passive to which I responded, “You should never confuse cold and passive with nonchalance.”

I think a 40 year old can understand and appreciate a 20 year old, but a 40 year old is just old to a 20 year old. The 20 year old has his map laid out in front of himself where a 40 year old sees no reason for the map. Let’s see where the road takes us.

Today I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I am somewhat excited about it. Will I make another film? I do not know. The first was more a curiosity. I realised earlier this year that the reason I wanted to be a filmmaker was not because I feel I had something to say but I wanted the world to look at me!! I think I may make a film if I feel I have something to say.

I have finally found my voice as a writer and have begun to explore it. I write because I feel I have something to say not because I want the world to say what a nice boy I am. I use to think my life was going nowhere. But that was when I thought fame, power, and money would give it meaning. My life has been in some amazing magical places and I am sure it will be in many more. And now...

A Matter of Choice or "Hmmmmmm Chocolate" (NSM)

2004-10-08T19:57:00.000-05:00

In 2003 my friend Ray turned 35. He was watching a lot of Sex And The City at the time and really identified with Carrie Bradshaw turning 35 and all the angst as well. So I decide to write him a little piece as a present. Just image Carrie banging away at her laptop as you read this.

***************

Has this happened to you? It’s 3:00am and you have just smoked pot and now 20 minutes have passed and you are at the 7/11 staring into the ice-cream freezer. “Chocolate Fudge Cookie Dough or Cappuccino Crunch? Oh wait! French Vanilla?” Or worse it is 3:00pm and you are at Baskin-Robbins with thirty-one ways to mind-fuck yourself. Sowing the ice crystals of self-doubt and confusion in a garden called entropy.

Choices. They suck and not in that good way a man would want them to suck. But maybe it is not so much that choices suck but it seems I am making some really crap choices. For the longest while I have found my choice making to be on autopilot. But then if something is on autopilot there are not that many choices being made. Confusion!

Turning 35 years old seems to up the wattage shining on one’s choices or lack thereof. The number chills like a harbinger of doom, a milestone that feels like a millstone around the neck. Is life half over? Have I made poor choices so far? Do I get a few more ops to make better choices? But scarier yet, do I have the maturity to make the better choices?

Maybe it is not so much poor choices but rather easy choices. Hard choices often involve a delaying of gratification. Maybe that is the hurdle that keeps tripping. Maybe I equate easy with wrong and hard with good?

We are always afraid to make the wrong choice. But who said there is any such thing as a wrong choice. Sure choosing to step off the curb ignoring the “Don’t Walk” sign could be seen as the wrong choice. I would venture to say that it has nothing to do with right or wrong but it was a poor choice from the variables available. Is this the crux of the choice angst? The fear that we will make the wrong choice? Is some group of “choice police” ready to pounce upon us and truss us up in the town square where all the “right choosers” get to laugh and mock us? Maybe that does happen psychologically every time someone says, “How could you?” or “What were you thinking?” We just do not want to be on that side of the conversation.

But far more insidious than any town square ridicule is the inner turmoil of our own thoughts. It is so easy to get into the game of second-guessing every move on the chessboard of life. And that makes for a long and boring play. Maybe the challenge is to play the game with passion and make as many choices as possible. So what if a choice turns out to be poor? Make another one. See that is another side to this dilemma. We feel that every choice must be a forever. We have no appreciation for the possibility that the circumstances of a choice may change and we may want to do something different. Why is it that every choice demands a lifetime commitment? We give up our freedom.

Free will is not so much about humans being able to do anything they bloody well want, but so much more about their ability to choose from a variety of options. We have to let ourselves be free to make a wrong choice.

Sure this is easy to do when it is a simple case of getting tired of chocolate and deciding it is time for the French Vanilla. It gets a little weightier when it comes to purchasing a house, changing a job, or finding a mate. These choices seem to have a finality about them that scares the bejeebus out of us. But houses do get sold and new ones purchased, jobs end and new ones start, and yes sometimes relationships end and new ones start.

The higher on the finitude scale we place a choice, the more anxiety about changing our choice. But this is the nature of life. Someone chose to eat the apple, someone chose to betray a friend for 30 pieces of silver, and someone chose to be rather than not to be. Poor choices all? By the same yardstick a man chose to strive a little further to reach a mountain summit, a woman chose to leave her companions and live among lepers, and a man chose to live a dream of racial equality. Good choices all? Choices have to be made on their own merits, not in the shadows of disappointments nor with the belief that a ball and chain is sold with each one.

Maybe if we spend less time agonizing over our choices and more time living them our days would be filled with action instead of inaction. Triple Brownie Surprise or Cappuccino Crunch. Hmmm which one?

Media Colonization (SM)

2004-10-06T21:58:00.000-05:00

Why have other countries with similar or greater populations not had the international reach, success, and global control that the USA has? The answer is to be found in the very fabric of society. Most eastern cultures are built on preserving the family unit through observance of history and tradition. Society is a mere collection of families.

Western society is based on the individual being all he can become. Even the family unit is mere training ground for the individual to go off and become all that he can. And then that individual will find another individual to create more individuals.

When a society is based on family, history, and tradition it looks backward before it looks forward whereas when a society is based on the freedom of the individual it looks forward before it looks backward. The first looks back for guidance on how to proceed; the second looks forward for inspiration to guide.

When a society is based on individuals making it on their own they have to do so outside the family unit - therein they are explorers by nature. And explorers not only discover but then pass on all their beliefs and processes.

So that is why the USA is the world's best explorer at this time in history. It was previously the British Empire. (As you go back in history you find periods of exploration in most cultures histories.) But once they decided to stop exploring and stay put in one place they came up against a large population. And it was probably the passing on of Western education that taught colonized people to fight for independence. All those histories of conquering made the colonizers think to give it a try themselves and kicked the British out. And because the British ran out of places to mine for resources they no longer had big amounts of cash for military pursuits. The reduced resources had to be used to look after growing populations and the upkeep of current colonies.

Now it is America's turn. But America is doing a new breed of colonization. Media Colonization. CNN is the lead horse in the communication systems race of the world. This first started within the country when small media shops joined. They became bigger and bigger after merger after merger after hostile takeovers. Now the American Ideology is in the hands of a few giants and though they have varying opinions on what it is to be American they all embrace and would die for freedom of the individual.

Media is the harnessed power. A power that cannot be avoided for it is no longer just a colonizastion for land and resources it has also become a colonization of ideologies. And the ideology that has the biggest TV satellite is the United States of America; it is an ideology that happens to have a huge army (military and non) of like-minded explorers. Victory is certain based on the current strategies, market shares, and players.

As America liberates the world it will use its media to empower the colonized. The information will be at the hands of “Friends” and “Everyone Loves Raymond” and at the hands of Larry King and Dan Rather. And yes OPRAH and Dr Phil. And what will the message be? The freedom of the individual with the ultimate expression of the individual being “one who makes it on his own”. Next comes being a responsible consumer; it is consumerism that is the fuel of media colonisation. The colonizer needs more open markets to provide more products for domestic consumption.

America will take its place in explorer history, though it may take a few generations to happen. As the British bumped into large populations who resisted those ideologies or acquired them based on the ideology that they should be free from the colonizers, so too will the USA bump into those who do not wish to be colonized any further. And then those populations of new individuals will begin to explore the world.

The USA should not be surprised when the colonized respond with force for they responded with force to their coloniser?

Why are so many gay men obsessed with the body beautiful? (SM)

2004-10-04T13:03:00.000-05:00

Homosexuality has a narcissism quotient. Until recently homosexuals could not procreate nor adopt. Children make people look outside themselves. (Pets and plants do as well to a lesser degree.) With no children to take them outside themselves gay men can focus all their disposable cash and time to pursuits they wish to enjoy - where, when, however they choose to do so. This eventually leads to self-absorption and one of the ways to be self-absorbed is through body obsession and the pursuit of mythic body types. Lets face it on some level we are all measuring our ass and chest by the creation of Michealangelo's hammer and chisel. Though most often we feel smugly satisfied thinking he has a small dick! Maybe a comparision to his modern progeny? But then again maybe he was a grower not a shower and if you were in a town square with people staring at you ya might not be able to let yer manhood extend so far either. Off to the gym.