The onion is pretty cool because the peeling back of the layers can cause a lot of pain and tears and there is very little and often nothing at the center. The Buddhists probably like that one. The concentric circles work as often we are going around in circles and it takes a dramatic event or force to bump us into an inner circle or maybe we may end up farther from the center circle. This is maybe a good one for the Greek Aristotelians. The mountain offers much as an incline requires constant energy and hopefully the higher up the clearer the air and the better the view. The movement upward despite struggle is probably good for the Christians and most religions.
Now all that is wonderful theory to state but hindsight is what makes it palatable.
Last night I had dinner with my friend Bao and he was telling me about his latest relationship gone wrong. It turns out that my friend becomes too attentive to his partners. He practically dotes over them. He quickly becomes a combination of friend, lover, and mother. He treats his partners too good too soon.
Now I am not saying he should change who he is as a person but it is very easy to be taken advantage of or to be taken for granted in such situations. There is a fine line between attentiveness to a partner’s desires and wants and smothering and mothering.
I am always reminded of Kahlil Gibran’s words on marriage in Chapter Three of The Prophet:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
This passage is a staple at Christian weddings. Many people forget that before they became a “we” they were a “me” and a “you”. It is only by continuing to allow the “me” and “you” to grow as individuals will there be a strong “we”. I want a partner who is pursuing his life with passion. I want him to be able to say, “Guest what happened to day?” and I not know. That is where the excitement and fun is.
As I was listening to my friend I was paying my usual attention to eyes and body language. I think he is getting disillusioned with repeated failures. He hates the dating part of relationships which is why he moves into the acting like partners too fast. He said that he has known very soon after each of his relationships started that the fat lady should have gotten on stage and belted out her requiem. On some level I think the over-attentiveness is somehow fueled by the need to hang on to what has come his way. He settles for partners because the fear of having to date and go through it all again is too distasteful.
To me it is all about loneliness. As a species humans really hate being alone. I think being alone reminds us of the possibility of having nothing and no one to share our lives with. Deep loneliness reminds us of death. I am happy to say I have not felt lonely in a long time. I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy the time I spend lollygagging around the house or out about town alone. To me a good book or movie is as rewarding as a good conversation. They each have a place and time.
So much of living is a struggle against loneliness.
My friend is looking for someone to share his life with. He is happy with his career, his financial world is stable and profitable, he has a good circle of friends, but no one to share it with on a “we” level. I think when he learns to be single he will learn to be a partner.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
We also talked about how easy it is to give such advice but not to follow it. He once told a friend, “Relationships are like plants that need the right amount of water and sunlight. Too much water they drown and die. Too little water they dry up and die.” The quest is to find the right balance between support and nurture for our partners and ourselves and the right amount of independence for each. This is easy advice to give but hard to follow when the consuming fires of love and passion, fear and loneliness, commingle in the lovers dance.
One thing that I notice about all past relationships, and this is true for me as well, is the lingering of memory. There is a need to swim around in the pain of goodbyes. There has not been a day since I came back from my retreat that Allan has not been on my mind: his smile, his humour, his passion, his cute butt. The moment I stop being busy he is there. But then the devil on the other shoulder says, “DUDE!! Don’t forget all the pain and trouble. Just because you really like someone does not mean you should be with that person!” Nasty little devil.
The other day I was thinking about him for an hour and a half. I had a student from the Philippines. She would probably be a little younger or the same age as Allan’s mother. I taught her for two classes. Hearing her talk about the Philippines and the concerns of immigrant mothers made me wonder if his mother was similar. The student is raising her 11 year old daughter by herself. She is a talented woman but being in a foreign environment where language sophistication can be the difference between success and merely living, I could see the fear and insecurities and how they were keeping her from passionately exploring her life’s possibilities. I wonder if she is passing those fears and insecurities on to her child.
She is afraid to sit and read at length and journal because of the difficulty. And her daughter has the same problem. I said to her that if she wants her daughter to read and write well she will have to model those for her child. This seemed to affect her deeply. I could see it in her eyes. She now realized that becoming a better reader and writer herself was also for her daughter. I suggested she have a reading hour on the weekend with her daughter. They sit and read together. They each get something they want to read by themselves and then when they finish reading they tell each other what their reading was about. Her daughter will only do what is modeled. Giving her daughter the gift of books will change both of their lives, especially as immigrants to an English language country.
Also I got her to start a gratitude journal to practice her writing. This is something I discovered on my retreat. Everyday in a journal I hand write one page with the heading, “Five things I am grateful for today!” I have not missed a day and it really helps me celebrate my life by focusing on the good things. Well sort of focusing as this part of the post is proving I am still focusing on someone.
The Filipino mother took to this idea very well. When I told her she would be one of my five things for that day you could see her face light up. Someone was listening to her and helping her achieve her goals. Not merely pointing out grammar mistakes and pronunciation problems.
I think that is what we have to do with the people in our lives. We teach and learn by example. But we need to give, and have for ourselves, the space to grow as individuals. Then and only then will the “we” be a healthy combination of the “you” and “me”.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
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