Black and White Colours

Feeling a thousand times better. See the two thousand words below!

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Storms Passing

Confessions of a Cyberslut

I have always considered myself a lazy writer. Actually I am. But recently I was going through my back catalogue and found I have been a bit more prolific than I thought. So I thought I would dust some off for my new blog readers and those not familiar with some of the older stuff. Also it saves me the trouble of having to sit and be original for a while.

This piece was first published in a local Toronto mag called Celebrasian (circa 1998). Celebrasian was the community mag for a group called Gay Asians of Toronto. An acquaintance, Jimm Tran, took it on as a volunteer project and asked for my assistance. After a falling out with GAT Jimm and I went on to found DRAGUN magazine.

The article was also republished by the now defunct CODECODE the NYU website exploring the advent of the internet and relationships (circa 1998).

Enjoy!

Confessions of a Cyberslut!

by Joshua Kreig

It's 3:27am. Friday. I am trying to get off. Offline. I've been chatting with some guy from Australia in cyberspace for an hour. I yawn. He is typing nothing to get my blood pumping or anything else for that matter. I had my hand in mind. I thought I was beyond seeking out sex, or in reality -- intimacy, on the net. This is a remarkable achievement, for I am one of those people who thought he would never go to a bathhouse or a porn theatre: and has since gone to both. Now a cyber-whore.

I am considered easy on the eyes by many. I have been in a few relationships with men who are even easier on the eyes. My real-time sex life is satisfying; I enjoy a man's body regularly. But yet I find myself irresistibly drawn to anonymous sexual exploits. Something tells me I should be above and beyond such base desires.

In true St. Augustine fashion I must confess. I engage in cyber-sex. At one time a lot. I enjoy the challenge of seduction. Though there are many projects I should be working on; channelling my libidinal energy towards more fecund endeavours... it is 3:27am, Friday and I'm trying to get off. It is easy. It strokes the ego.

Sexual release is a drug. Safe, easy, ego drug. Hmmmm. That is enough of a sociological, physiological, and psychological reason to explain my behaviour. No wonder I am having so much trouble getting that screenplay on paper. The little head has a much more direct and powerful line of thinking for its actions. The big head gladly surrenders its lofty erudite ambitions for a share of concupiscence.

I can even rationalise it as a writer. It is an act of the creative muse. I have been doing it for so long now that I approach it as a challenge; to have a different sexual exchange with each person I encounter. I have become quite proficient at describing sex acts. I have even tried a few activities I would never contemplate with a corporeal partner, water sports for starters.

And who needs a condom in the virtual bathhouse. It can be as raw and as nasty as one may wish. Cyberspace has become the largest purveyor of safe sex. Yes, viruses do abound and are sometimes passed on maliciously, but cures are created contiguously. The relieving of computer ills ranks higher than that four-letter acronymic health crisis and many others to boot. Though I run the risk of catching something from a cyber tramp, I will always walk away, sexually relieved and healthy, at least physically.

The debate rages on as to whether the super highway has/is causing us to be supra alienated from one another. Like all good questions, the answer is both yes and no. For gay men, there are a few extra nods on the yea side.

I believe that the Internet has been a godsend for the gay community. On many occasions, I chat with young gay men in their late teens and early twenties, from all over the world, who have no gay outlet, except the Internet. The Internet is their sole avenue of homosexual expression. It is the first meeting place for many gay men as they search for meaning to their sexual identity. The Internet is allowing them to not be isolated with their feelings. Millions of ones and zeroes screaming out for attention. Lonely voices tapping out at 33.6kbps, searching for another to confirm they are not alone.

I remember growing up as a teen, long before computers, and feeling I was the only gay person in the world. I was very alone and had not a soul with whom to share my quest. Today, gay men around the world are able to reach out to each other and say, "Hi, you are not alone! I am here!" That is AWESOME!

Though the hunger is temporarily satiated, in the end the appetite still yearns. Therein lies the cyber shortfall. I believe long-term Internet relationships cannot work. They cannot work because they leave us wanting! They do not match our ideas and traditional assumptions of what relationships should be. We can blame bad theological interpretations of the Letters of St. Paul for this.

We are taught from a young age that we consist of a body and a soul, or spirit. These two parts are linked together by the act of conception and birth. Even though most people put a greater emphasis on the spirit, placing it superior to the body, such is not really the case. The body and spirit are in a synergistic relationship. Kinda like you can't have one without the other and one plus one equals three.

It is through the five senses of the body that our spirit grows to understand what life is all about. It is our unique ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch that lends the spirit its life and meaning. They are intertwined. In the end, all our experiences in life have to be the body feeding the spirit. The more senses involved in the experience, the stronger the experience, and thus more fulfilling for the spirit and hence the total person.

Now the Internet. When communicating with others, it is a very limited experience on the sense level. We have not been trained to accept anything but a full sense experience of people. As time goes on, we may accept that we will have relationships with people with whom we will never share physical touch. We are nowhere near that time.

This is evident by the fact we want to know what a person looks like, sounds like. We exchange pictures and .wav files. I am not saying we cannot have relationships over the Internet. I am saying there are limits as to where they can go and what we should expect. There is a man I have been chatting with in Singapore. I know what he looks like and sounds like; I've chatted with him on the phone. I was supposed to go visit him recently but that got cancelled. I was rather disappointed. I was hoping by being with him, our relationship would become stronger and better... or maybe even end... those are the risks of full sense experiences. We finally did hook up here in Toronto and discovered we are good friends and not the material of lovers.

We are a physical species. In the end we want to hold people and be held by people. And as far as a lover goes, IBM is kind of non-responsive. The Internet will never replace staring across a room and making eye contact with the cutest boy, holding hands in the dark, or that first passionate kiss with someone new.

In the end, I think the Internet is a great thing, a great place for relationships to form, but we either have to lower our expectations as to what the end of that relationship will be or our understanding of what exactly a relationship is. I think it is impossible to have a lover on the Internet. Sharing one's mind and thoughts is great, but with a lover we want to share our body as well. The Internet may introduce people and begin a relationship, but it will always have to end in a physical consummation (soon) or it will remain a friendship or a heart yearning. Not a bad thing but a limit.

Who knows, the advent of cyber worlds and virtual realities may increase the senses we feel, but that again will be a brave new world with its own expectations and limits.

See you online!!!

Lesson learned, relearned, and learned again.

One of the most important books I have read in the last five years is don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements.

Something or more correctly someone hurt me recently that made me go back and reread part of the Ruiz book.

The Second Agreement - Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

So easy to read so hard to live.

Not Ready To Play Nice - Dixie Chicks

(You can hear it all here. Just wait for the chorus to kick in then turn it loud. Dixie Chicks.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Everybody Is Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

This is a rather interesting piece that I have used in my advanced ESL classes. The piece has an interesting urban myth history. Here is the back ground:

http://www.bondon.com/sunscreen_song.html

I have included the original version and title. But if you can track down the original music mix by Baz Luhrmann have a listen. I have it if you desire a listen.

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"ADVICE, LIKE YOUTH, PROBABLY JUST WASTED ON THE YOUNG"
by Mary Schmich.

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

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Best Bitchy/Heartache Breakup Song

I was chatting with a friend and he asked me what I thought was the best bitch slap breakup song. For me the hands-down winner is Tony Bennett's version of I Wanna Be Around . BUT I also volunteered the best rip your heart out breakup song, Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me. Please don't get the George Michael version of the Raitt song.

I Wanna Be Around

I wanna be around to pick up the pieces
When somebody breaks your heart
Some somebody twice as smart as I

A somebody who will swear to be true
As you used to do with me
Who'll leave you to learn
That mis'ry loves company, wait and see

I mean, I wanna be around to see how he does it
When he breaks your heart to bits
Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine

And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet
As I sit there applaudin' from a front-row seat
When somebody breaks your heart
Like you, like you broke mine.


I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Horoscope Horror

When trying to come to terms with a final decision one has made one should NEVER read horoscopes. This afternoon I saw an article on the Canadian music scene from yesterdays Toronto Star and how it is at an all-time high. I turned the page to see if the article continued and BAMN there were the horoscopes. Now I rarely read them except as the last ditch read on public transit. Yesterday's said:

Just because a certain arrangement has a history of going wrong, doesn't mean that it's bound to go wrong again. This time around, you'll be far more successful.

That's just plain cosmic chance mindfucking evil. Read below and by the end it will all make sense.

Stepping Out of the Shadows of "WE"

I have discovered that life is a process of learning the same lesson repeatedly. I hope that each time the lesson comes around I learn it at bit of a deeper level than previously. There are many metaphors: the onion, the concentric circles, the mountain.

The onion is pretty cool because the peeling back of the layers can cause a lot of pain and tears and there is very little and often nothing at the center. The Buddhists probably like that one. The concentric circles work as often we are going around in circles and it takes a dramatic event or force to bump us into an inner circle or maybe we may end up farther from the center circle. This is maybe a good one for the Greek Aristotelians. The mountain offers much as an incline requires constant energy and hopefully the higher up the clearer the air and the better the view. The movement upward despite struggle is probably good for the Christians and most religions.

Now all that is wonderful theory to state but hindsight is what makes it palatable.

Last night I had dinner with my friend Bao and he was telling me about his latest relationship gone wrong. It turns out that my friend becomes too attentive to his partners. He practically dotes over them. He quickly becomes a combination of friend, lover, and mother. He treats his partners too good too soon.

Now I am not saying he should change who he is as a person but it is very easy to be taken advantage of or to be taken for granted in such situations. There is a fine line between attentiveness to a partner’s desires and wants and smothering and mothering.

I am always reminded of Kahlil Gibran’s words on marriage in Chapter Three of The Prophet:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

This passage is a staple at Christian weddings. Many people forget that before they became a “we” they were a “me” and a “you”. It is only by continuing to allow the “me” and “you” to grow as individuals will there be a strong “we”. I want a partner who is pursuing his life with passion. I want him to be able to say, “Guest what happened to day?” and I not know. That is where the excitement and fun is.

As I was listening to my friend I was paying my usual attention to eyes and body language. I think he is getting disillusioned with repeated failures. He hates the dating part of relationships which is why he moves into the acting like partners too fast. He said that he has known very soon after each of his relationships started that the fat lady should have gotten on stage and belted out her requiem. On some level I think the over-attentiveness is somehow fueled by the need to hang on to what has come his way. He settles for partners because the fear of having to date and go through it all again is too distasteful.

To me it is all about loneliness. As a species humans really hate being alone. I think being alone reminds us of the possibility of having nothing and no one to share our lives with. Deep loneliness reminds us of death. I am happy to say I have not felt lonely in a long time. I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy the time I spend lollygagging around the house or out about town alone. To me a good book or movie is as rewarding as a good conversation. They each have a place and time.

So much of living is a struggle against loneliness.

My friend is looking for someone to share his life with. He is happy with his career, his financial world is stable and profitable, he has a good circle of friends, but no one to share it with on a “we” level. I think when he learns to be single he will learn to be a partner.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

We also talked about how easy it is to give such advice but not to follow it. He once told a friend, “Relationships are like plants that need the right amount of water and sunlight. Too much water they drown and die. Too little water they dry up and die.” The quest is to find the right balance between support and nurture for our partners and ourselves and the right amount of independence for each. This is easy advice to give but hard to follow when the consuming fires of love and passion, fear and loneliness, commingle in the lovers dance.

One thing that I notice about all past relationships, and this is true for me as well, is the lingering of memory. There is a need to swim around in the pain of goodbyes. There has not been a day since I came back from my retreat that Allan has not been on my mind: his smile, his humour, his passion, his cute butt. The moment I stop being busy he is there. But then the devil on the other shoulder says, “DUDE!! Don’t forget all the pain and trouble. Just because you really like someone does not mean you should be with that person!” Nasty little devil.

The other day I was thinking about him for an hour and a half. I had a student from the Philippines. She would probably be a little younger or the same age as Allan’s mother. I taught her for two classes. Hearing her talk about the Philippines and the concerns of immigrant mothers made me wonder if his mother was similar. The student is raising her 11 year old daughter by herself. She is a talented woman but being in a foreign environment where language sophistication can be the difference between success and merely living, I could see the fear and insecurities and how they were keeping her from passionately exploring her life’s possibilities. I wonder if she is passing those fears and insecurities on to her child.

She is afraid to sit and read at length and journal because of the difficulty. And her daughter has the same problem. I said to her that if she wants her daughter to read and write well she will have to model those for her child. This seemed to affect her deeply. I could see it in her eyes. She now realized that becoming a better reader and writer herself was also for her daughter. I suggested she have a reading hour on the weekend with her daughter. They sit and read together. They each get something they want to read by themselves and then when they finish reading they tell each other what their reading was about. Her daughter will only do what is modeled. Giving her daughter the gift of books will change both of their lives, especially as immigrants to an English language country.

Also I got her to start a gratitude journal to practice her writing. This is something I discovered on my retreat. Everyday in a journal I hand write one page with the heading, “Five things I am grateful for today!” I have not missed a day and it really helps me celebrate my life by focusing on the good things. Well sort of focusing as this part of the post is proving I am still focusing on someone.

The Filipino mother took to this idea very well. When I told her she would be one of my five things for that day you could see her face light up. Someone was listening to her and helping her achieve her goals. Not merely pointing out grammar mistakes and pronunciation problems.

I think that is what we have to do with the people in our lives. We teach and learn by example. But we need to give, and have for ourselves, the space to grow as individuals. Then and only then will the “we” be a healthy combination of the “you” and “me”.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Suicide in Canada

Thank you to all those who wrote me personal emails regarding my last post. They are greatly appreciated. Here are some statistics for Canada.

http://www.suicideinfo.ca/youthatrisk/professionals/trend.htm

"Each year, on average, 294 youth die by suicide. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for youth aged 10-24, following motor vehicle collisions. Although suicide rates for 10- to 19-year-olds have remained consistently below the overall suicide rates, suicides in this age group began to rise in the early 1960s and tripled by the late 1970s. In recent years, the rate for 15- to 19-year-olds has begun to approach the general population's rate of 13 per 100,000. Suicide rates for 10- to 14-year-olds have also increased, but remain below 2.5 per 100,000. Studies show a significant percentage of adolescents contemplate, plan or attempt suicide without seeking or receiving help. Males are less likely than females to seek help from any source."


Let's play with some Numbers (approx)

33,000,000 = Canadian population

4290 = Suicides per year based on 13 suicides per 100,000 people (source above).

26,000 = total suicide attempts: source - The Hospital Morbidity Database: 87 attempts per 100,000 people

Let’s compare!

26,000 = population estimates for Pickering, Ontario. People between the ages of 5-24. Source - Stats Can 2001.

19,000 = The Air Canada Centre in Toronto seating capacity – Source ACC website.

6000 = Starbucks stores in 30 countries around the world. Source Starbucks website.

12,000 = Sheridan College student population. Source – College Surfing

37,000 = Full-time student population University of Toronto downtown campus.

3330 = Deaths from motor vehicle accidents in 1997 (Stats Can)

If 4290 committed suicide and each only new 10 people that would be 42,900 people affected by the death.

If 26,000 people attempted suicide and each new only 10 people that would be 260,000 affected by the attempt.

That's a lot of people needing attention!

Retreat Treat (Part Two) The Big Insight

Retreat Treat (Part Two) - The big insight!

From experience, I can say retreats are a curious thing. Prior to a retreat there is a list of things that one feels they need to look at or work on. I thought I was going to be looking at some of my family ghosts. I thought I was going to have to look at my lack of motivation and focus. I thought I was going to have to look at what am I doing with my life. Boy was I wrong.

The big insight arrived when I came face to face with my Bipolar II Mood Disorder. I learned a lot about my illness. Though I had come a long way since my diagnosis in September of 2001, I hit a dead zone this past six months. I used pot as a crutch; it got me through January and February. Between November and January, my alcohol consumption was higher and solo. I was in so much pain that I had to numb myself to the world in order to make it to the retreat.

Moreover, like many bipolar people I was able to conceal all that chaos. I kept my work schedule except for a few crashes here and there. I maintained most of my social engagements and between January 4th and the beginning of my retreat on February 27th I even started exercising on a consistent basis.

However, beneath all that I was falling apart. I was going mad. I was cycling through highs and lows at a break neck pace. Sometimes I would take my meds; sometimes I would forget, and never on a fixed schedule. I kept a smile on at work with my students and colleagues.

One thing I am thankful for is that I have learned to turn my illness inward as opposed to previously thrusting it outwards. There is a little collateral damage in my past. Now some people might say that internalising all that garbage is a bad thing. I on the other hand would rather hurt myself than hurt other people. I do not lash out anymore.

On my retreat, I realised that I had a lot of anger, fear, and frustration towards the illness. I was fighting it consciously and unconsciously. Whenever I would feel a dark spell coming I would get upset and that would cause it to get even worse. Before you knew it, I was spiralling downwards in a quagmire of negative emotions. On my retreat I read, “Loving Someone with Bipolar” by Julie Fast. The book is written for the partners of bipolar people. Because the book is not written for me, I was able to read it with a cool intellectual detachment. I was able to sidestep the emotional baggage and look at it as eavesdropping on a counselling session.

During the reading, it was all resonating with me. Every page had a new insight that helped me understand the illness more. I had to accept that bipolar is not going to go away. To complain about it and fight it is like complaining about or fighting being right-handed. It just is. The main point is I have to manage bipolar first. Only then will I be able to get on with life. I have to manage it lovingly. I cannot beat myself up over this. I have to manage it lovingly.

If I cannot love myself and treat myself well as I deal with all this then how can I invite anyone into my life to love me and treat me well.

This management philosophy is a difficult one. Since returning from my retreat there have been some bad days. What I have found is my new level of awareness is helping them not be so bad.

"You did what you knew how to do and now that you know differently you do differently." Maya Angelou (paraphrase)

(more to come)

Damn You Jerry McGuire

This afternoon I spent a few hours with a Bipolar Comrade in Arms. For someone all of 21 he has a great handle on life. Sure, he has all the highs and lows of most semi-lunatics, and the fear, anger, and frustration that go along with it all, but he has a warm fuzzy center that is wise beyond his years.

After the bonding over our respective serotonin swirls, and like most gay men having chitchat, the conversation wound its way to relationships. What struck me as profound was that this young man knows what the most important thing in any relationship is. Now when you ask most people they will say chemistry, compatibility, or list various other traits they wish to find. The biggie I hear most often is PASSION! He said communication. To which of course I agreed. The most important characteristic of any relationship is communication. The ability for two people to try to understand each other through open dialogue is the cornerstone of any relationship.

We then began a discussion about how movies, songs, books, and other forms of entertainment down through the ages have really screwed up what people think relationships are. DRAMA!! All of the above have created basket case drama queens of most people when it comes to love. Most people’s ideas of what a relationship is come from movies. Case in point Jerry McGuire.

Oh how the masses swooned to the line, “You complete me.” What a bunch of rubbish. If you need to be completed by another person, you will never be whole. Only when we are comfortable within our own “aloneness” can we truly appreciate the togetherness. If you are running to the arms of another person to escape your own feelings of isolation and loneliness you will always live in fear of losing that person. You are not in the relationship because you want to enjoy the person you are there because you cannot be with yourself.

I have often said I want a lover who has 101 other options but has chosen to be with me. Not because they NEED me but because they want to enjoy me as much as I want to enjoy them.

The other thing we talked about is that movies and other entertainment have somehow made people believe that love is supposed to hurt. That love and pain are somehow caught in a twisted dance of fate. Anger and fighting are okay to these people. Word up, LOVE DOESN"T HURT!

I was recently dating (“dating” for lack of a better word) a guy who thought yelling and screaming and fighting were part of what made relationships passionate. Again someone misled by media. I use to fight and argue and get major pissed off, scream, and shout. But not anymore. It is destructive and anti-communication. When anger exists, love has taken a vacation. It is impossible to be angry and love at the same time. They are mutually exclusive. This does not mean a relationship will be without its tense times and misunderstanding that lead to hurt feelings. However, anger, which of course can only end in lashing out, is a destructive force that negates love. I know! I know up close and personal. I’ve tried, it don’t work.

Conflict in any relationship is an invitation to greater intimacy. An intimacy of vulnerability and trust where you know you will be treated with care and respect regardless of how difficult the situation. Sure, we will all lose our cool from time to time. As I like to say, anger is the face your heart puts on to keep people from seeing it cry. Anger is pain thrown outwards instead of inwards. The pain can be so hard that to acknowledge it would be too much.

I think the person I was “dating” actually thought less of our “relationship” because I did not fight with him. I was not showing passion. All the pop songs have anger and fighting, all the books have anger and fighting, all the movies have anger and fighting, and dare I say it, most of our homes when we were growing up had anger and fighting. The wrong behaviour is modeled and we blindly accept it as the way it should be. That is screwed up passion.

I refuse to fight in any of my relationships anymore be it family, friend, or lover. It hurts and is a total waste of time and emotional energy. I would rather hold someone and cry then be the person who screamed and yelled and made them cry. I’ve tried that, it sucks.

So if you are dating a person and his idea of romantic is Marlon Brando screaming Stella!!!!! Or good ole Jerry McGuire all teary-eyed saying, “You complete me.” You can bet you are about to get involved with a drama queen. I suggest you watch Chariots of Fire so you can learn to RUN! FAST!

Retreat Treat (part 0ne)

Having the feeling you are going mad is not the most pleasant of feelings. Being conscious of it and thinking one is powerless to stop it is pretty damn scary. That was the last few months for yours truly.

On February 27, 2006, I scrambled together my last ounce of sanity and found a smidge of courage to take my ass to a retreat centre in Arnprior, Ontario. For the next 10 complete days, February 28 - March 9, I was in silence and solitude.





The beautiful thing about silence and solitude for me is it forces me to come face to face with my reality. There is no place to run, hide, or escape. All the scary places become your companions. Only when you befriend them do they lose their ability to kill you.

Over the next few weeks, I will be writing about some of the insights that came to me. While on retreat, I hand-wrote 80 journal pages and will share a few here. For anyone wrestling with some monsters I suggest a retreat to help you begin a healing process.

I was first introduced to the retreat process when I was 24. At that time, I was studying to be a Roman Catholic priest. Over the next four years, I went on a retreat twice a year. After leaving the seminary to explore life in a better way for me I gave up on all things Catholic and Christian.

In 1996 I decided it was important not to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. I realised that retreats were nothing about God or religion but about finding ones balance and learning to live a little more in harmony with oneself and the world. So in 1996 and then in 1998 I went on one retreat each year.

In 2001, my life fell so completely apart that I badly needed a retreat but did not have the mental clarity to realise it. Now here we are in 2006 and something inside of me told me my life was out of control and I had to do something about it.

The answer that came to me was, "Go on a retreat!" So began my 12 days of reconnecting with and in some cases finding myself.

A Planetary Valentine

When will time end? Glad you asked. Geologically I cannot say. But I know spiritual time will begin when all things in the would are living in harmonic balance. But how do we get there? Good question. Harmonic balance is achieved through world peace. It looks as if geological time will not be ending anytime soon so we better get to work on spiritual time.

The only way to achieve any of this is to live respecting all life. Respecting all life does not mean we have to go and be vegetarians for the rest of our days or turn our lives upside down running off to join a third world missionary. It means we are good stewards of life. A good steward of life knows the ultimate goal of our world should be achieving world peace for that is the way to truly live. I think we would all be living longer healthier lives using a good stewardship model.

This happens through a simple choice. Love - the verb. Action. When we choose to love we engage life with a profound respect. Not merely love of ones own friends and family. Not merely love of ones own country or religion. Not merely love of ones own beliefs or politics. Love of life - all life. If you love life then you respect all life. You are a good steward of life.

It is when the love of life breaks down that the messy stuff happens: hate, violence, intolerance. And that messy stuff is not only in the scenes to be seen on the evening news. We all see the violence in our own lives. A dirty fight between lovers or friends is an act of violence. Every butting of heads in the professional world that leads to resentment and spite is an act of violence. Every “watch it asshole” or finger given a cabbie is an act of violence. Aggression is fine. We need that to survive. But there are so many tiny little acts of violent aggression. And the worst? The ones we commit when we know we should not. Because to choose to love at that point in time takes more courage and vulnerability then there seems to be in supply in our world right now.

To choose to love and stop acting out in violent aggression is the simple decision to not react out of anger and fear. Can you imagine if we completely stopped acting out in anger and fear. If violent aggression, and that being any aggression that does not respect the sanctity of all human life, was no more, we would have world peace. We would be good stewards of the world and there would be plenty for all people to live in harmonic balance with each other, with the planet, with life, with love.

When we are inside of love time is meaningless. Its significance ends. The end of time. When there is an absence or loss of love, time holds no promise but eternal bleakness.

And though I may have employed a little hyperbole here, in the end it has to be acted out in the small movements of our lives. And again the courage runs thin. I am guilty. Many times love is not fuelling my actions. If love was fuelling our actions that fuel would become energy for all of how life works. The energy of love transforms. I think life will evolve to the next level of consciousness when that happens. It makes so much sense but so hard to believe in - harder to do. The next evolution of consciousness has to be a creation of a global spirituality based on the guiding principles of love that allows for local expression but global respect for all.

Exactly how does love fuel our daily choices? I recently read this paraphrase of the popular1 Corinthians 13:4-8: of the Christian New Testament.

The love of which I speak is slow to lose patience;
It looks for ways of being constructive.
It is not possessive.
It is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish
inflated ideas of its own importance.
Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage.
It is not touchy
It does not keep account of evil.
It is always eager to believe the best.
Always hopeful
Always patient.
It is a love which knows no limit to its endurance
Not fading to its hope.
It is in fact the one thing that still
remains when everything else has disappeared.

Also I came across this little list things to consider in your approach. Good luck with the application and the courage needed for it.


WHAT LOVE DOESN'T

Love doesn't abuse or take you for granted
Try to change or re-arrange you
Blame you or carry angry grudges
Manipulate you by anger, loud voice or tears
Get you into win-lose situations
Give you unsolicited advice
Judge or tell you what is wrong with you
Just tolerate you as a condescending favor
Make you prove yourself again and again
Need be right, to have all the answers
Pout or refuse to talk to you
Punish you vindictively for being wrong
Remember the things you have done wrong
Seek and call attention to itself
Show off—to let you know where you stand
Undermine your confidence in yourself
Use you for his or her own gain then discard you
Ventilate its emotions on you as a garbage dump
Write you off because you didn't meet its demands



WHAT LOVE DOES

Love accepts you wherever you are
Affirms your goodness and giftedness
Cares about and wants to know if you are OK
Challenges you to grow to your potential
Empathizes—what it's like to be you
Encourages you to believe in yourself
Is Gentle in its way of dealing with you
Keeps confidences—your secrets are safe
Is Kind—is always for you on your side
Laughs a lot, always with never at you
Looks for goodness in you and finds it
Makes you feel glad that you are you
Overlooks your foolishness and human weaknesses
Prays for your needs and your growth
Sees good in you that others haven't noticed
Shares itself with you, by self-disclosure
Speaks up when you need someone to defend you
Is tactful even when confronting you
Takes responsibility for its own behaviour


Happy Valentine’s Day.

The James Frey Incident

(the background)

How's this for armchair psychology. Addiction is a collapse of the ego. A collapse of the moral compass. A collapse of the conscience that helps us monitor our own behaviour. We are all looking at James Frey as a healthy individual. The first question to ask, “Is James Frey chemical free?” And even if he is, he has not done the real work to heal his ego. He obviously has no moral compass nor a conscience to monitor himself. The reason “AA” and other support organizations work is because they help rebuild the person that has been broken.

As a Bipolar Mood Disorder sufferer I feel actually sadness for James Frey. I can easily see the man is trying to cope with many demons. Its in his eyes. Sadly at the time he wrote his story he was not a healthy man. And maybe still is not. I am sure it is common knowledge that severe drug addicts have disassociations of reality. Often reality and fantasy blur and then commingle make each indistinguishable.

Beyond the story of literary ethics is the story of a man still out of control. He just happens to now have international fame and money. So I guess with noteriety and money he gets to be called the tragic artist. If he does not get help he will probably self-destruct.

And the good news is someone gets to write the James Frey scandal biography which will then become a bestseller.

HBC - Sold or sold out?

(the background)

What’s at stake here?

The Hudson’s Bay Company’s goals are that of a viable business operation. Profit. That has been its goal from the early days of trading. When the point comes that the ownership has to question the viability of operations then choices have to be made.

No one would argue that HBC has become a piece of Canadian Heritage. But the heritage has been an after thought that has been provided by time and not a line in a business plan. Heritage costs money, it does not make money.

I would be interested to know how many of the “bleeding hearts” spend money at HBC. We cannot bemoan the loss of history if we have not been an active pattern in its survival. It falls into the category of saying, “I really like our Canadian literary and film offerings.” And yet then the only Canadian books/films digested by the same person are the ones on reading lists in high schools and universities.

I am as proud a Canadian as any and as un-American (as opposed to anti-American) as any in this country. I want us to be a country of culture and commerce. But if I am not proudly spending my money to support Canadian culture then I should shut my mouth. As Elvis sang, “A little less conversation a little more action…”

I too feel that Canadian identity is being swallowed up by the “Media Colonization and the Occupation of the Mind” that the USA is currently spreading. We do need not need more laws and tariffs to protect Canada. We need Canadians spending their money on Canadian Cultural endeavours. Buy a Canadian book, movie, CD. Go to our galleries, festivals, and museums. THEN when your precious source of culture is taken away? THEN you get to bitch.

So in the end behind the selling of HBC is the selling out of HBC by the Canadian consumer.

Joshua Kreig's Seventh Annual Christmas Message

The Nature of Reality

Bill and Melinda Gates and U2 troubadour Bono were named Time Magazine’s Persons of the Year. Apparently on the short-list was Mother Nature. While what the Gates duo and Bono are doing for Africa is a very commendable enterprise alas the “person” with the greatest impact on our lives last year was Mother Nature. In Toronto, ever so far from the real action, all summer I heard people complaining about the weather. Oh how hot it was. Record heat and smog. Bring it on says I. Maybe not the smog.

I discovered that the reason Canada is such a peaceful country is we as citizens spend so much time talking about the weather and generally agreeing how crappy it is we have no time for major disagreements leading to disputes and violence. Maybe we need to send a team of expert meteorologists to Quebec. The weather can distract.

But by the by as it can distract it can draw our attention to the true starkness of our reality. All of human history can be seen as a species trying to come to terms with its environment. Human kind went from being the victims of nature to harnessing it and dominating it. Every now and then we fool ourselves into believing we are on top. A tsunami, a couple of hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides, to name a few, come along to remind us that we are only suppose to have dominion over all the critters and growing things on the earth. The earth itself is the true master of the human animal. Nature has dominion over us.

E.B. White is my favourite essayist and any writer hoping to elevate the ordinary of life to the extraordinary should read him. He once wrote, “I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.”

Life expectancy in Canada is 76 years for men and 83 years for women. Regardless of which version of “how long ago or how life got here” you believe, our turn on the ride of life is rather short in the totality of human history and less significant in the planets history. Nature was here first. People second. If history is an indicator of the future then it stands to reason that nature will outlive people. She has the longevity gene stacked in her favour.

I think there is a movement for us to start living a more integrated existence with our planet. This movement is small and has great obstacles to overcome so it needs all our help. But if we want to be able to focus on the building of relationships with others we have to realise that our first relationship is with the planet. Without it there is nothing. Struggling with it is mere survival.

The other big nature I have come to understand a bit more this year is human. Though I no longer believe in organized religion I feel more and more spiritual all the time. And I have realised that my writing is how I express my spirituality. I think spirituality is the quest to find out what it is we all share. We hope that there is someone we can connect with and maybe even more important influence. I think we all want to know we matter and in some way affect the lives of those around us and maybe across a world.

I am filled with awe at the idea and certainty that there are many students from all over the world: Mexico, Japan, Brazil, Korea, Chile, Columbia, Venezuela, Guatemala, Iran, Argentina, Russia, Spain, Germany, Italy, Taiwan, China, Portugal, Serbia and Poland who feel their lives are a little better for knowing me and I was more than a teacher of English to them. The humbling beauty of it is, I learned more from them than they did from me.

I am a student of human nature. It is my hobby and passion and this past two years it has been my vocation. I have said so many times this year, “I have learned more about the world working at Berlitz than I have from any travelling I have done.”

Picture it. On vacation everything is a postcard. Snap, Sydney Opera House in the backdrop. Snapping the Petronis Towers. Boating down a river in Bangkok. Standing on a beach in Phuket. Cows in Chicago. Everything is a postcard. Memories of movement captured in something static. We look and touch but how often do we really feel and understand the places we are in.

Over the past two years the world has come to me. I have asked a lot of questions. I asked a few German students, “How do Germans today perceive their 20th Century history?” I asked an Iranian student if it was difficult to be living a very open western lifestyle compared to her lifestyle in Iran. I asked Brazilian students why there seems to be two Brazils – a black poor one and a rich white one. Especially after a student with African roots did not want the other Brazilians to know he was also from Brazil. I asked Mexicans what it was like to live through the bank crash of 1995. I asked Koreans about the last year of high school that creates the Korean brain factory. I learned why it appears both Japanese and Germans are obsessed with time but for very different reasons. I learned why Chileans are very security minded after living through years of dictatorship. And this is a mere smidgeon of the experience.

I have met and taught and learned from people as diverse as a VP of a joint venture mining company between the governments of Russia and Mongolia and a banking executive who championed a new corporate governance law in Mexico. No easy feat when people have pictures of their children mailed to them. I have seen first hand a young Japanese woman question everything her culture has taught her she should be. I have seen an Iranian woman, out of family love and honour, make one of the hardest decisions she could make.

What I have found is there is indeed a fundamental human nature that we all possess regardless of position or place. The need to know what our lives are. We are searching for meaning. So many times I heard from students, “This is the first time I have had a chance to slow my life down and think about it.” For most it has been a great process and for some a difficult one. I am honoured that they have shared a little of their journey with me.

I think both Mother Nature and Human Nature came together for me this year in two places. The first is don Miguel Ruiz and the second is my sister Judith.

I discovered a book called, THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. The book is rooted in the toltec native spirituality of Mexico. The toltecs knew that they could not separate themselves from nature. They believed they were a part of a world coming to know itself. We are the great dreaming. The simplicity of wisdom is easy to see in the agreements.

(from the cover)

“Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”


For me the middle two were the first I had to work on and I am getting pretty good at them. Though far from perfect. The first one and last one are the challenges I next face. The four are each so easy to write and say but so hard to live. The book has helped me see the connections between myself and the world. I am beginning to learn my role in all that as well.

My sister has been a big reminder of how fragile human nature can be. On Tuesday, December 20th she was rushed to hospital emergency with the same stoke-like symptoms she had 18 months ago. Though as with that occurrence she will make a full physical recovery it is very difficult on her physical body and even more so on her emotional body.

This becomes a great source of pain as she has reached many of the goals that were before her that I mentioned last year. 2005 has been a remarkable year for her. But her body reminds us that it is all very fragile yet requiring great strength.

I have found these last few years that whenever there is a nice piece of theory that life wishes to teach me it has a tendency to reinforce it with a nice up close and personal experience. The fragility of the planet witnessed on CNN comes home when a loved one is threatened with illness.

Now mother nature does not have to do that but alas she was never meant to be kind. That is something we humans are trying to force upon her. But the lesson she is trying to teach us is that we are all connected and share a common human experience. At the core of that human experience is the reality that we are physical beings that must acknowledge that without respect for our planet and our physical selves we cannot have any spiritual connections.

May the holidays find you living in peace with your world and those in it. Merry Christmas.

Love,

Joshua

(December 24, 2005)

Posts of Christmas Past

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas99.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2000.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2001.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2002.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2003.html

http://www.geocities.com/jkreig/xmas2004.html

Hung Up On, Art Shows, Dogs House (SM)

Hung Up On…

Hung up on Madonna is what the world will be for the next little spell. Yes the dance floors of the world are about to fall prey to major Madge magic. She's created the perfect dance song.

The single is the perfect dance song.

I was listening to it with a fellow writer friend and he mentioned something interesting I had not noticed. The way the song starts off is identical to the experience of walking into a dance club. As I listened I heard it. When you are outside the club all you hear is the bass. Then as you enter it is bass and some midrange noises and as you get close you hear more and then when you walk into the room you get this rush of music. Damn clever producing I say.

That rush immediately carried me off somewhere at every circuit event these bones have gyrated at for many an hour. Interesting structure also because regardless of what type of music you like that would be a shared experience entering any club.

This song is so happy it makes you move. There will be stampedes to the dance floors ladies. Saddle up! I think even a bad dancer will be able to fake a move or two to this sucker. It gets in your blood and starts giggling and grooving.

I’ve heard one remix, Tracy Young’s. Can we say techno/trance! YAY! But it got lots of percussion and all the vocals to keep the house queens happy. Whereas the single gives you happy boogie woogie shoes Young’s version says, “Ummmm excuse me, your ass on the dance floor now!” It is a great first remix with very broad appeal. If this was the single we would still be very impressed.

Fuck! I sound like a fag gushing over Madonna!! Someone shoot me. Please.

Art Shows…

Art shows us we are the highest evolved species on the planet. Everything else we do in life is part of a structure that is aimed at keeping ourselves alive and propagating our species. Its all systems with one aim – stay alive. And every other living creature on the planet is doing the same thing. Only the structures and systems maybe at various stages of complexity. We humans think we are the most complex things on the planet. But any scientist would agree there are a lot more things outside us we do not understand then there are inside us. So that makes us less complex if we employ a little sloppy logic.

But it is in art where we step outside every other species. We think it is our ability to know or our (self)consciousness that defines us as human but I think it is our ability to produce art that shows us we are human. Highbrow or lowbrow is irrelevant. From the most salacious joke to the piercing aria all is art. Interesting that some of our most abundant forms of art come from a need to entertain ourselves. But it is creativity that says this species is different than the rest.

Dogs House…

Dogs house a curiosity for me from which I feel I may finally have found a cure. See I’ve thought about getting a dog. A Weimaraner I was thinking. They are suppose to be standoffish and moody. But then I was thinking of having to pick up its poop. But then a dog owner told me that once you get attached to the beast you’d take a bullet for it. But then I was thinking that I would have to make arrangements anytime I wanted to do anything outside its schedule. Then I was thinking it would be like having a two year old that never grows up and leaves home. But then I was thinking that I could overcome all those drawbacks and get myself a dog until I finally thought!! We eat animals we don’t live with them.

The Real Batman Has Finally Shown Up

I've been waiting since 1989 for this movie. All four movies are now null and void. Sure Burton has got style and has one of the best imaginations in la la land. Now for the BUT. He works strongest on his own material. He should have said NO to Batman. If Batman Begins came first followed by Burton’s (good but not great) Batman no debates would be happening. Batman Begins is brilliant from open to close. It is the best comic book movie to date.

I have collected Batman comics and Batman Begins is a collectors movie with enough smarts and style to make the average Joe and Jane enjoy it. But this is the Batman movie we have been waiting for.

Keaton had fake hair and what was that attempt at a scowl when it looked more like Ben Stiller’s pouting pursed mouth in the barely viewable Zoolander. (Though on MJ it is kinda sorta funny.) Val was too pretty. Clooney? Nuff said. But we have to really blame Mr Schumacher for all that.

Though this movie is filled with A-List stars they are not superstars. They are actors playing characters; you believe they are who they are playing. I will not waste any of my life recounting the parade of superstars from Jack to Ahhnuld who were one after another a big distraction from the main character. In all other Batman movies Bruce Wayne/Batman was a supporting character to these superstars chewing the comic scenery. The strength of this movie is it is a Bruce Wayne/Batman movie and the villains are second. That is what we fans wanted all along.

All the actors are superb. And hey its Morgan Freeman. The man finds the right note and plays a small support with the perfect pitch of humour. (With a U, I'm Canadian.) It was nice to see Gary Oldman in a movie where his teeth marks are not over all the sets. He was a man trying to hang on to his idealism in a world where none was to be found. Michael Caine captured the dry wit of Alfred that is in the books. He is the man who roots Bruce in reality with love, devotion, and a kick-ass sarcasm. Cillain is creepily wonderful. Neeson is a splendid mentor/villain.

I will let the filmmakers away with not doing the Batman's eyes the way they are in the comic books. At least they pulled the mask in close to the eyes so the silly black makeup around the eyes is not as much of a sore thumb as previously. (Where does he find the time to put that on and take it off?)

Though none of the things in this movie could happen for real they place enough of it in respectable fuzzy science for us to suspend our disbelief. Not once could I do that in the other films.

Bob Kane did not create Batman to be “cartoony”. He is suppose to scare the bejeebus out of you. And in this movie he does. I was concerned that the scarecrow would be a weak villain but the hallucinogen angle allowed for effects that are driving the story and not a gimmick. It gave Batman Begins a nightmare quality. This movie is for adults. Leave the kiddies home.

Nolan’s direction was well done. Let's face it, M. Night made a brilliant movie with The Sixth Sense, Nolan made a brilliant Memento. I think it is impossibly naive to constantly judge new work by what happened in the past. There will not be another The Sixth Sense nor another Memento. But Batman Begins judged as a self-contained entity works on many levels. I really cared about THIS Batman.

The reason Batman works is because unlike all the other Superheroes he has no super powers. He is a man. And deep down we all feel that with the right training, motivation, and bank account we could become that man. He is a human being doing super human things. This movie works because we meet the human being and empathise with him. Batman does not show up until the second act. But we are happy to be watching Bruce Wayne slowly become him.

Brilliant, bloody brilliant!

5 Bats out of 5.

"Al-Gayda" she said!

Margaret Cho - The Assassin Tour

From the top I have to say, though I was not disappointed, I found the Assassin not as funny as "I'm The One That I want"

ITOTIW has a stronger emotional and personal core. The comedy springs forth from being able to laugh at her own life tragedies. It is the pathos that gave ITOTIW an innate knowledge and intelligence about its subject matter that made the delivery seem as if it came from her core.

The only core to this show is being pissed off. See you hear people saying that many Americans are Bush haters. I think they are just pissed-off.

I think they would not care if he was still governor. They are just ticked-off with him and the rest of the Americans who voted for him. Other than that they would probably say he is a good ole boy. See that is what the state of Texas is for - a way to keep most of the wingnuts in one place. They just want the biggest wingnut out of Washington and back on the ranch out of harms way. History will not be kind to W. And, I have a strong feeling his post presidential life will be froth with difficulties.

This makes for great comedy/drama and can be milked for some genuine laughter and Margaret Cho did have some brilliant moments. But not a complete set of them because the material does not have an emotional personal core. Being pissed-off at a lunatic with no personality understandably has no emotional core.

Stemming from the pissed-off-ness was some great Bush bashing and rich gay political humour. At times biting and at times vulgar and always funny. Yet it did not have a depth of brains but variations on themes already out in the foray. Don’t get me wrong it was very smart in places and “I have a dick tooth.” was very clever. She pulled in many pop cultural references. In the cat stevens bit she sings “I’m being followed by an air marshall, air marshall.” I would bet few under 30 recognized the tune of “Moon Shadow”. Most over 30 caught it and appreciated it. And she was pretty vicious to Hollywood starlets and bjork. Her face was uncanny singing bjork.

Though I appreciated the big screen to get a close-up look at all the facial expressions my seat was close enough that I could get all that without the screen. At times I found myself looking more at the screen or at the least it was distracting me. Though I am sure the balcony greatly appreciated it.

One thing I did notice is this show contains a lot more self-referential queer or lesbian remarks. I have not seen Notorious C.H.O. or CHO Revolution so I don't know if this is new or a progression. But she did seem more “OUT” here than in ITOTIW. There was many a splattering of angry queer politics in there. AL-GAYDA I LOVE IT!!

Maybe the more I let the show run through my head I am convincing myself I liked it a lot more than I said. There were many funny moments and a few brilliant one-liners. But yet that core problem is still pestering me. I think ITOTIW had a passion that could only come from that material. It was her at her most vulnerable and raw yet hungry and wickedly funny at the same time. Most other things after that, by comparison can only sound like comedic monologue.

Oh I did indeed laugh and the boy who was sitting next to me was howling so much his cheeks hurt. And she even included some CanCon. Does that mean she can get an award from some Canadian arts thingy? I’d love to see the dress she wears.