Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Confessions of a Cyberslut

I have always considered myself a lazy writer. Actually I am. But recently I was going through my back catalogue and found I have been a bit more prolific than I thought. So I thought I would dust some off for my new blog readers and those not familiar with some of the older stuff. Also it saves me the trouble of having to sit and be original for a while.

This piece was first published in a local Toronto mag called Celebrasian (circa 1998). Celebrasian was the community mag for a group called Gay Asians of Toronto. An acquaintance, Jimm Tran, took it on as a volunteer project and asked for my assistance. After a falling out with GAT Jimm and I went on to found DRAGUN magazine.

The article was also republished by the now defunct CODECODE the NYU website exploring the advent of the internet and relationships (circa 1998).


Confessions of a Cyberslut!

by Joshua Kreig

It's 3:27am. Friday. I am trying to get off. Offline. I've been chatting with some guy from Australia in cyberspace for an hour. I yawn. He is typing nothing to get my blood pumping or anything else for that matter. I had my hand in mind. I thought I was beyond seeking out sex, or in reality -- intimacy, on the net. This is a remarkable achievement, for I am one of those people who thought he would never go to a bathhouse or a porn theatre: and has since gone to both. Now a cyber-whore.

I am considered easy on the eyes by many. I have been in a few relationships with men who are even easier on the eyes. My real-time sex life is satisfying; I enjoy a man's body regularly. But yet I find myself irresistibly drawn to anonymous sexual exploits. Something tells me I should be above and beyond such base desires.

In true St. Augustine fashion I must confess. I engage in cyber-sex. At one time a lot. I enjoy the challenge of seduction. Though there are many projects I should be working on; channelling my libidinal energy towards more fecund endeavours... it is 3:27am, Friday and I'm trying to get off. It is easy. It strokes the ego.

Sexual release is a drug. Safe, easy, ego drug. Hmmmm. That is enough of a sociological, physiological, and psychological reason to explain my behaviour. No wonder I am having so much trouble getting that screenplay on paper. The little head has a much more direct and powerful line of thinking for its actions. The big head gladly surrenders its lofty erudite ambitions for a share of concupiscence.

I can even rationalise it as a writer. It is an act of the creative muse. I have been doing it for so long now that I approach it as a challenge; to have a different sexual exchange with each person I encounter. I have become quite proficient at describing sex acts. I have even tried a few activities I would never contemplate with a corporeal partner, water sports for starters.

And who needs a condom in the virtual bathhouse. It can be as raw and as nasty as one may wish. Cyberspace has become the largest purveyor of safe sex. Yes, viruses do abound and are sometimes passed on maliciously, but cures are created contiguously. The relieving of computer ills ranks higher than that four-letter acronymic health crisis and many others to boot. Though I run the risk of catching something from a cyber tramp, I will always walk away, sexually relieved and healthy, at least physically.

The debate rages on as to whether the super highway has/is causing us to be supra alienated from one another. Like all good questions, the answer is both yes and no. For gay men, there are a few extra nods on the yea side.

I believe that the Internet has been a godsend for the gay community. On many occasions, I chat with young gay men in their late teens and early twenties, from all over the world, who have no gay outlet, except the Internet. The Internet is their sole avenue of homosexual expression. It is the first meeting place for many gay men as they search for meaning to their sexual identity. The Internet is allowing them to not be isolated with their feelings. Millions of ones and zeroes screaming out for attention. Lonely voices tapping out at 33.6kbps, searching for another to confirm they are not alone.

I remember growing up as a teen, long before computers, and feeling I was the only gay person in the world. I was very alone and had not a soul with whom to share my quest. Today, gay men around the world are able to reach out to each other and say, "Hi, you are not alone! I am here!" That is AWESOME!

Though the hunger is temporarily satiated, in the end the appetite still yearns. Therein lies the cyber shortfall. I believe long-term Internet relationships cannot work. They cannot work because they leave us wanting! They do not match our ideas and traditional assumptions of what relationships should be. We can blame bad theological interpretations of the Letters of St. Paul for this.

We are taught from a young age that we consist of a body and a soul, or spirit. These two parts are linked together by the act of conception and birth. Even though most people put a greater emphasis on the spirit, placing it superior to the body, such is not really the case. The body and spirit are in a synergistic relationship. Kinda like you can't have one without the other and one plus one equals three.

It is through the five senses of the body that our spirit grows to understand what life is all about. It is our unique ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch that lends the spirit its life and meaning. They are intertwined. In the end, all our experiences in life have to be the body feeding the spirit. The more senses involved in the experience, the stronger the experience, and thus more fulfilling for the spirit and hence the total person.

Now the Internet. When communicating with others, it is a very limited experience on the sense level. We have not been trained to accept anything but a full sense experience of people. As time goes on, we may accept that we will have relationships with people with whom we will never share physical touch. We are nowhere near that time.

This is evident by the fact we want to know what a person looks like, sounds like. We exchange pictures and .wav files. I am not saying we cannot have relationships over the Internet. I am saying there are limits as to where they can go and what we should expect. There is a man I have been chatting with in Singapore. I know what he looks like and sounds like; I've chatted with him on the phone. I was supposed to go visit him recently but that got cancelled. I was rather disappointed. I was hoping by being with him, our relationship would become stronger and better... or maybe even end... those are the risks of full sense experiences. We finally did hook up here in Toronto and discovered we are good friends and not the material of lovers.

We are a physical species. In the end we want to hold people and be held by people. And as far as a lover goes, IBM is kind of non-responsive. The Internet will never replace staring across a room and making eye contact with the cutest boy, holding hands in the dark, or that first passionate kiss with someone new.

In the end, I think the Internet is a great thing, a great place for relationships to form, but we either have to lower our expectations as to what the end of that relationship will be or our understanding of what exactly a relationship is. I think it is impossible to have a lover on the Internet. Sharing one's mind and thoughts is great, but with a lover we want to share our body as well. The Internet may introduce people and begin a relationship, but it will always have to end in a physical consummation (soon) or it will remain a friendship or a heart yearning. Not a bad thing but a limit.

Who knows, the advent of cyber worlds and virtual realities may increase the senses we feel, but that again will be a brave new world with its own expectations and limits.

See you online!!!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Lesson learned, relearned, and learned again.

One of the most important books I have read in the last five years is don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements.

Something or more correctly someone hurt me recently that made me go back and reread part of the Ruiz book.

The Second Agreement - Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

So easy to read so hard to live.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Not Ready To Play Nice - Dixie Chicks

(You can hear it all here. Just wait for the chorus to kick in then turn it loud. Dixie Chicks.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Everybody Is Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

This is a rather interesting piece that I have used in my advanced ESL classes. The piece has an interesting urban myth history. Here is the back ground:

I have included the original version and title. But if you can track down the original music mix by Baz Luhrmann have a listen. I have it if you desire a listen.


by Mary Schmich.

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.


Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.


Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.