Sunday, March 11, 2007

When Goodbye Is Right

The other night a person I am fond of had this MSN tagline, “goodbye love, thanks it was a wild ride”.

Letting go of any relationship is difficult. I was having difficulty letting go; Daisuke and I cannot be lovers. But that tagline put it in perspective for me.

When Daisuke and I met at the beginning of July 2006 it was suppose to be a casual hook up. He did not want a relationship in his life. He just ended his four year relationship a few months previously. I was still working on my own health issues and did not feel I had enough handle on it to invite someone to share my life. Also I was helping my sister deal with her health issues. My career was providing great satisfaction. The weather was beautiful. The complexities of a relationship did not seem wanted.

But something happened on that afternoon. We felt a connection. Beyond a really hot afternoon we realised there was a similarity in feeling. We decided we owed it to ourselves to explore that connection. We felt emotions in a similar way; over the next 6 months that would become more evident. Whenever we were together it was as if our hearts were sharing some of the same place. It was comfortable and effortless. Sometimes when we were together it felt like two people in the same space sharing a body. Often it was hard to tell where one body began and ended. Yourself and mixed with that person at the same time. You wish you could just melt into them.

But because we had that potential for high then there is the potential for the low. Daisuke does not analyse his feelings. He feels them. Because we connected, when I went down he went down with me. That hurt us both in more ways than one. But regardless of the down time I liked who I was with him in the good times. I was a nice me.

Over that six months we loved, laughed, and played to a wonderfully high level. We had many great experiences. I have the pictures to prove it. We also seemed to appreciate things at a similar level. Wine, food, skies, sex, music, and more. I found myself getting closer and closer to him but on some level I knew the ride was ending. It was not the right time for either of us. We are still learning to find the right place in each others lives since getting off the ride. Time will play its role. But I think we will always know that we touched each others life. I think we will always be two people who enjoy each others company.

Though that was a good rational decision it always takes the heart a little while to catch up. We would all be lying if we did not admit that in every casual encounter there is a sliver of desire or hope that this person be THE person. That is where saying a goodbye to a possible relationship is difficult. Funny thing about my heart, it likes to let itself be informed by my brain. I realised I just had to figure out a way to say this to myself so I could help my heart move on.

We cannot command anyone’s presence in our lives but be thankful for the shared moments. We can anticipate with joy not hope, with desire not thought, with now not tomorrow. It would be arrogant folly to think that just because we desire a person they should desire us back in the exact way we wish. The lover has no freedom. And no one should want a lover in a cage.

It has been a wild ride!! SONOTORI!


This is also worth saying here. When I am not in a bipolar swing I can think all these thoughts and truly believe them and feel them. When I am down it robs me of all of this.

Monday, March 05, 2007

The Profound Sadness

I am sad.

There seems something rather odd about saying that after a bipolar depressive episode I feel sad. A profound sadness, a by-product of depression, floods my heart.

Depression is the numbing loss of hope where everything is rendered meaningless, tasteless, colourless. No joy, no peace, no love, no future. Darkness. Nothing but fucking grey darkness. Not even kind enough to be total black. Grey. Shadows. Echoes of joy, faint, barely audible in the darkness. I use to be happy?

Death is a worthy option when the psyche is dying a slow death to nothingness.

The sadness is all awareness. Awareness of how bipolar steals my time, my love, my peace, my center, my laughter. At these moments there is a profound sense of loss.

Three men have been in my life over the last four years and bipolar stole them from me. I know this ugliness was a part of their decision not to continue with me. The most recent lover to leave stings the most because my heart progressed further with him. He said, “It is too scary to love you.”

In the movie BABEL there is a scene with a young Japanese girl who is deaf and mute. She is playing in a games arcade with a female friend when a boy who thinks she is cute comes up behind her and says hello. He thinks she does not hear him so he taps her on the shoulder. When he quickly discovers she is a deaf mute he politely bows a little and backs away.

No one says, “Let me date the cripple!”

How many times do and will potential lovers back away from a deeper intimacy with me because bipolar is too much to ask them to take on? I am never angry or upset with a person because they back away from this. I would probably do the same thing. I understand. It still sucks.

The normal challenges of life are difficult. Living with a partner with a permanent health issue is more than challenging. I think it would be different if the illness came after the relationship had a chance to build a foundation. I think it is necessary for any potential lover to know very soon after something starts that there is a permanent health issue that will influence our life. There will be days of ugliness. I expect all will walk.

I am a very silly and childlike and playful guy who can think big thoughts and pick his nose. I can debate philosophy and can pig out on super chocolate fudge ice cream while watching cartoons. I want to go on great adventures with someone. Bipolar steals that from me.

When I travel I can have and have had bipolar attacks. Pressure and time zones have something to do with it. I have to limit how many projects I take on and where I can look for work. I have to monitor my stress level and personal health too much. And the part that really pisses me off and really saddens is that no matter what I do there will always be the dark days. The days I cannot talk or reach out. The noise in my brain causes so much negative energy and pain that I cannot move through it. It is like watching a movie of yourself doing and saying and thinking things that you know are not your true actions, words, or thoughts. This madness takes over leaving all rational thought and emotional maturity paralysed.

The sadness is over this tremendous loss of time. There is a part of me that believes the illness will win. It has already beaten me on occasion. A part of the sadness is that my resilience will end. Instead of bending in the storm I will break. One day one episode will occur and I will not recover. There is a part of me in the midst of the sadness that wishes the darkness will swallow me and get it over with – why bother.

I feel my spirit is being chipped away at. And we all know no one will buy anything that is chipped.

But there is still hope in my heart. The silly child is in there. I am having a bit of difficulty remembering to play after the storm. Maybe in the times of peace the hope can grow. At least regain its strength to live a few moments of peace. To find joy and laughter.