Sunday, March 11, 2007

When Goodbye Is Right

The other night a person I am fond of had this MSN tagline, “goodbye love, thanks it was a wild ride”.

Letting go of any relationship is difficult. I was having difficulty letting go; Daisuke and I cannot be lovers. But that tagline put it in perspective for me.

When Daisuke and I met at the beginning of July 2006 it was suppose to be a casual hook up. He did not want a relationship in his life. He just ended his four year relationship a few months previously. I was still working on my own health issues and did not feel I had enough handle on it to invite someone to share my life. Also I was helping my sister deal with her health issues. My career was providing great satisfaction. The weather was beautiful. The complexities of a relationship did not seem wanted.

But something happened on that afternoon. We felt a connection. Beyond a really hot afternoon we realised there was a similarity in feeling. We decided we owed it to ourselves to explore that connection. We felt emotions in a similar way; over the next 6 months that would become more evident. Whenever we were together it was as if our hearts were sharing some of the same place. It was comfortable and effortless. Sometimes when we were together it felt like two people in the same space sharing a body. Often it was hard to tell where one body began and ended. Yourself and mixed with that person at the same time. You wish you could just melt into them.

But because we had that potential for high then there is the potential for the low. Daisuke does not analyse his feelings. He feels them. Because we connected, when I went down he went down with me. That hurt us both in more ways than one. But regardless of the down time I liked who I was with him in the good times. I was a nice me.

Over that six months we loved, laughed, and played to a wonderfully high level. We had many great experiences. I have the pictures to prove it. We also seemed to appreciate things at a similar level. Wine, food, skies, sex, music, and more. I found myself getting closer and closer to him but on some level I knew the ride was ending. It was not the right time for either of us. We are still learning to find the right place in each others lives since getting off the ride. Time will play its role. But I think we will always know that we touched each others life. I think we will always be two people who enjoy each others company.

Though that was a good rational decision it always takes the heart a little while to catch up. We would all be lying if we did not admit that in every casual encounter there is a sliver of desire or hope that this person be THE person. That is where saying a goodbye to a possible relationship is difficult. Funny thing about my heart, it likes to let itself be informed by my brain. I realised I just had to figure out a way to say this to myself so I could help my heart move on.

We cannot command anyone’s presence in our lives but be thankful for the shared moments. We can anticipate with joy not hope, with desire not thought, with now not tomorrow. It would be arrogant folly to think that just because we desire a person they should desire us back in the exact way we wish. The lover has no freedom. And no one should want a lover in a cage.

It has been a wild ride!! SONOTORI!


This is also worth saying here. When I am not in a bipolar swing I can think all these thoughts and truly believe them and feel them. When I am down it robs me of all of this.

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