Wednesday, December 15, 2004


I hate exercise. Typing this is almost exercise. On some deep central core of my being I realise that exercise and eating well are irrelevant.

Am I saying that it is okay to eat any bloody way you want and not get any exercise? That is up to the freedom of each individual and how they measure or value quality of life. You see I know that on the grand time of history of life on this planet so far thing my span of 50 or 90 years of age is infinitesimally irrelevant in the big old timeline. I am fodder for movement forward. See now this would be called nihilism or fatalism but I call it the ultimate revelation. It is totally liberating. You learn that your instances in history are but a moment so all we have is this moment. Why not live it the way your soul feels it must. And then if your soul at some point starts you exercising then you will listen to it for you will know its reason. It wants to experience something different. Not because you are trying to prolong your stay on the big planet and equating quantity with quality. And we have bought into this weird way of valuing life based on a Barbie and Ken living in a Barbie and Ken World. You know a few heavy dashes of some of those seven deadly sins ain’t such a bad thing. BUT still it is all but a mere moment. You know if I knew I was going to die within a year I know I would first go all kubler-ross on your ass but I think the acceptance would come on knowing that so far my life has been a one tonne mother fucker of a roller coaster adventure screeching the tolerance on the track as it break necks through its turns. My moment has been full so far. See even in the darkest caverns where beasts did prowl to ecstasy blazing across blue and golden summer skies I always knew I was alive or not wanting to be alive which is the greatest consciousness of your life when you feel you want to no longer even have a moment more on this earth and then that is mixed with moments of feeling the pulse of the universe in my chest. And that awed me. It whispered in my ear and said – “be free.” I said thank you and have started but I am having a bit of trouble embracing what freedom means in this way. All the old ways are deeply entrenched but I think I am really close, really really close.

Or you know maybe I just need to talk about my negative associations from my childhood with sport and exercising and how they maybe affected my negative behaviour associations with exercise as an adult. Hmmmm, physician heal thyself on that one me thinks.

Or maybe I just need to realise if I am going to smoke pot so much there is a price tag to pay. SO you better keep your ass at the gym and work off that tub of ice cream you ate last night sista! Musssh! Crack that whip, BIATCH!!

And the good thing is I have discovered from last night and tonight if I sit down here at my keyboard and started interacting with people that would spark some writing on what ever we were talking about and that would lead to something totally different and on and on and the next thing I know I find my munchies have subsided and all my energies went into being creative which is what this exercise has been all about to begin with now hasn’t it. Have you noticed I have been pulling of some really long ass sentences that roll on and on but are grammatically correct and you even begin to flow with the sentence because it is like a representation of my thought process as I sit here right now typing this word to you.

Look behind you!


SEE!! Something for everyone!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

"Give me a kiss to build a dream on and my imagination will ..." (NSM->SM)

People ask me all the time questions like, "Do you miss Singapore?" "Would you go back?" or "Would you go visit?" I don't miss Singapore. But, I would definitely make sure it is a place to stop on my way somewhere else as I have two beautiful friends there. Will an innocent sweet soul and Wai Ming a beautiful person in every sense of the word on the inside and out. Whenever I talk about Wai Ming I get this profound rush of blood in my heart as if some cosmic force is making our hearts beat as one for a moment. When that moment is over people usually begin to feel loss or longing. But for me after that momentary cosmic connection where our souls share a memory of each other at the same time and we are floating in the neo-sphere of ideas that causes us to remember to me that is an amazing idea.

What is an idea but energy bursts escaping off into a cosmic field of energy. What if two people sending out cosmic energies and those energies started to collide sharing the common experience again? That would account for people saying they were just thinking about the other person as they bumped into them or received a phone call. We say, “Hey I was just thinking about you a little while ago and there you are.” See that may sound all far out and like what is he smoking man and where can I get some but I do see that this collide of shared memory is responsible for me seeing the beautiful lean body of Wai Ming on the deck of BV Swimming Pool reading a book. He looked so smart and yet so bloody cute, sexy, and handsome at the same time. Like Hugh Grant. Is he boyish or is he handsome? See it depends on how you dress him up. Wai Ming is like that. Sometimes when he is serious he looks handsome and mature. But sometimes he can laugh and be like a boy or when you are with him on the subway in Singapore and as you exit the subway you kiss him goodbye and exit the car and turn around and smile. Gotcha you thought and you looked at his face and there was a sweet boy caught being part of a devilish prank. And then there is his voice. He has the most gorgeous dulcet tones. And that is where the other Hugh Grant characteristic comes in. He has the same word cadence. I have said it to him that I think he is a Chinese Hugh Grant. I did not sleep with Wai Ming enough when I was in Singapore. That was Singapore’s fault not mine. It is bigger than me. But I am thankful for that moment of memory to rekindle moments of passion.

Then those rekindled moments of passion are the fuel for the belief that in an alternate universe on a planet with similar timelines to this one Wai Ming and I are an old married couple who retired and have been writing books for a living. As well as Wai Ming's continued work with children. That is another thing about Wai Ming I think is cool. He works with special needs people. There are some very serious handicaps he deals with. I worked at a Jean Vanier L'Arche community for six weeks one summer and man it tested me greatly. Some I passed some I failed. But whenever he writes about it the words are filled with such compassion and they sound so genuine. You can see the pain and the hope. Wai Ming always writes about hope. Even through pain or especially through pain. I on the other hand write out of darkness and that darkness has a completely different kind of pain but yet at the very end there is hope still. But yeah his vocation is humbling. And part of me feels I got a bit of the essence of what it feels like to be married to him in that brief moment of connectedness we had through the cosmic collide of memory. Wow that was weird. ahhhhh Wai Ming.