Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Bipolar Fun Fact #1 or, the trouble with joshua - He's not FUN!

I am not fun.

I am funny - downright hilarious at times.

I am fun to be around and there are times when I am having a lot of fun.

I find things funny. I like to have fun.

But to be fun is to be light - to live the moment in breathless wonder of each discovery while seeing the torrents and tedious steps as part of a joyful whole.

There are moments I am that piece of theory. There are moments of fun. But there is a lot of darkness around that fun.

I was dating a guy once and he said that one of the lessons he learned in life is to tell people when we are having fun with them. I sometimes forget to do that. Even when we are alone and catch ourselves having fun we should acknowledge it. For that is the moment we are looking for. Fun. Simple.

Sometimes the wiring in my brain gets so screwed up I don’t even realise it is until it reaches a critical mass. Critical mass can take many forms. Usually it means I stop having the ability to rationally understand the world around me. Everything takes on its worst form, craziest form, intense form, joyful form, darkest form or a little of each. That is the difficult thing about this thing it is always adapting and morphing.

I hit critical mass many times in April. Cleanup time.

Bipolar Fun Fact Affect – Relationships suffer.

Imagine all the craziness of a relationship and having in that relationship episodes of great emotional instability. That is NO FUN!! And worst is they are very unpredictable.

Every guy I have gotten to know recently talks about all the fun things they are planning on doing. Most of it involves a lot of travelling. I can travel but if I was to take a long and distant trip it would have to be planned with the knowledge that there will be meltdowns along the way. That is NO FUN!

Friendships suffer. My closest friends know and understand this illness a little. But there have been many times our time together has been robbed.

Nobody wants to be around someone who is not FUN! I don’t even want to be around me then.

1 comment:

wcloister said...

"The windier the spring the shorter the bloom."

I guess in your garden the drafts are pretty strong, (and sudden), making your sakura naked too soon (and too sudden).

Must be frustrating, I can only guess, to see the branches emptied by the unpredictable wind that no one knows where it came from, while the delicate paper flowers float down the stream.


you bloom!

I have seen so many "fun" guys so drunk with their wonderfully fun live that they are incapable to bloom, or even to long for blooming. They just do not notice it anymore. Too much fun to uncork, I guess…

Yes, it must be hard, very hard, to be around you when it is stormy and wild.

Yet it must be wonderful to sit under your branches while you are blooming.